Nehemiah 1:1-11
1. When was the last time you wept in prayer for someone who needed God's help?
As noted in my last journal entry, my prayer life has been fairly nonexistent. It has been a lot of screaming and cussing at God. I have been angry a lot lately for feeling strung along on this Jesus-Christian-thing because so much of it doesn't make sense any more. I don't know what the truth is and it doesn't feel like God is ever in the mood to be clear about it. In all honesty I feel very selfish and wish I could weep in prayer, but I feel numb.
2. What word best describes Nehemiah's heart? Ask God to give you a heart of compassion like Nehemiah's.
Wow! Nehemiah's prayer did have me tearing up a little just trying to do what is right. Trying to please a God we can't see. Trying to get God to remember. It doesn't make sense! Why would God even forget? I guess the best word to describe Nehemiah's heart is ernest. He is intentional and with sorrow pleading and praising God through it all.
3. Follow Nehemiah's pattern and pray for a person or situation causing you to grieve.
The world and my mind are causing me to grieve. The world is so broken. I can't fix it. God doesn't seem to want to fix it and if He does He sure is taking His sweet, sweet time. I want to pray, but it feels so fruitless and empty. I will give it a try. It might sound like nothing but the ramblings of a madwoman, though, fair warning.
Dear God,
Your Word has a lot of promises in it. I don't feel like you are necessarily keeping up your end of the bargain. You said if we seek you with all our hearts we would find you. I have searched and I am still searching and if anything is true you seem farther away. The frustration I feel I am sure is not mine alone. People are dying. I can't go and tell them about you. I have no money, resources, and my faith is barely hanging on. How do I trust you? Please, show us your grace and mercy. Show us, show me who you are and what your promises will be. I am lost. I am going crazy with confusion. Help me know what to say when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Amen
Nehemiah 2:1-18
1. How do you normally handle fearful situations?
I don't know. I don't have many fearful situations. I think it depends on the situation. It also depends on what you view as fearful. I live a normal life. There isn't much to "fear". My main fear is my husband leaving me because he thinks I don't want to put effort into our relationship. But I also know he can't leave because that would ruin himself (he is a youth pastor). It would have to get absolutely horrible to have to leave me. I feel like I am a horrible person because I am fat, ugly, and unskilled. He never calls me beautiful or even a simple "I love you" any more. Maybe I need it more than I think because I know there are worse things and people dealing with so much more than I am. I guess I just ask myself is there more that I could do that would make him love me unconditionally without losing my sanity or myself?
2. How can you apply Nehemiah's prayer strategy to your life?
I just need to pray more and pray more naturally and with more reverence. Right now my prayers are just words. I don't feel the meaning any more. As I stated before, I am numb. I use to not worry about praying out lout in a group and now I do. It almost seems like the worst thing for a Pastor's wife to admit, but I can't pray out loud in a group any more. It is all fluff. It is all clanging symbols. I can't hear the words. I just hear noise. I am struggling. I am afraid no one will understand. Here is "fear"- I am being judged. I don't want to care, but I do. Why do I care so much about what other people think? The real fear of loosing my faith is ever present.
3. Have you experienced a time when God answered your specific prayer? Think of someone with whom you can share your story.
A long time ago as a teenager I did pray for God to give me a car. I thought I could do great work for Him if only I had a car. I got a car. It is the most specific answer to prayer I ever remember receiving. Also the loan situation that I mention most often in this journal was a huge answer to prayer because I had no idea what was going to happen to my sanity and my life if this wasn't something that could be resolved quickly and easily. I have shared these stories with various groups from time to time. I guess they bare repeating, but they don't seem very big or almost real any more. They were so long ago. It feels like those were different people. A person who really, truly trusted God and knew herself. Now- I don't even know. I just want to be a good person who has fun from time to time, but WHAT IS THIS LIFE? It way too challenging. There are too many ways to think. There are too many gray areas and it is really messing with my brain recently.
Nehemiah 4:1-23
1. What task seems too big or too daunting for you to finish?
Raising my children, cleaning the house, and rebuilding my faith- all these things. I don't even think these things truly have an end. They are things that will just keep going and going till death. I guess I don't have a true task that needs finishing. There is a task I wish for but it seems highly unlikely and extremely daunting and I am giving that one to God because it would mean a complete life altering change. I would love to be Catholic, but that can't happen and so I must some how build my faith in a different way that I don't know if I always agree. Plus I have recently become so embarrassed by my church and its ministries that I want to run away from it all even though that is the cowards way. I need strength to stay or prayer for renewal. Be content- even though this particular worry is not money related.
2. Who could you ask to come alongside you in prayer?
No one. Maybe my husband but it feels too weird. Even when we were dating it felt weir to pray together. Prayer is too personal. I actually don't want anyone to pray for me. The only exception would be if it were medical or health related. The rest of the time prayers from other people are rarely close to what I want. The wording is strange. I don't know how to describe it but I don't like it. Also it has been made pretty clear to me that I will not be having any close friends any time soon so it is just me. Me in my selfish little bubble that I wish I knew how to pop.
3. Write down some good things that might result if you do complete your task. Ask God to give you the persistence to finish what you've started.
I don't know. I don't have a task to completely complete. God, the ball is in your court. I just want to write, read, and have fun sometimes. I don't get paid. I am lazy. I am selfish. I am tired of trying so hard to change. It is a battle, but I guess you promised one so I am not surprised. I guess I still wish it didn't have to be like this. My brain is having a hard time holding all the contradictory ideas of life.
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