December Joy Dare

3 Gifts Ugly Beautiful:

-My body
Thank you, God, for my body.  It may not be conventionally beautiful, but I am choosing to believe it is beautiful to God and to those who truly love me.

-My house
Thank you, God, for our ugly beautiful house.  It is ugly because it is mostly hallway and the dining room leaves much to be desired but it is beautiful because I have my family here. 

-Christmas sweaters
Thank you, God, for funny "ugly beautiful" Christmas sweaters.  They are fun and festive. 

November Joy Dare

3 Gifts Government:

-EBT/Food Stamps

Thank you, God, for food stamps.  It is uncomfortable and embarrassing, but I don't know how we would be able to eat even marginally healthy without the money to buy food.

-Humor for late night talk shows

Thank you for the hilarious news that is crazy and horrible but made bearable by how many jokes come from the president and his administration.

-The history of our government

Thank you for all the things I have learned and still have the opportunity to learn about the history of our government. 

Fruitful Lives/Missions Spotlight Ideas

• Brother Andrew: May 11, 1928 God's Smuggler Trailblazer & Christian Heroes
• Menno Simons: January 12, 1536 when he joined the Anabaptists and became a Mennonite Church founder, Trailblazer
• Corrie ten Boom: April 15, 1892 (movie and book) The Hiding Place Christian Heroes
• John M. Perkins: June 16, 1930 many books, African American fighting for jobs and fair wages, Dream with Me
• Pastor Li De Xian (China/newspaper/persecuted church): May 8 his church was raided, introduce Jesus Freak and The Voice of the Martyrs (June 29 is the Day of the Christian Martyr)
• Jimmy Carter (Habitat for Humanity) October 1, 1924 If I Had a Hammer and various biographies plus Faith
• Eric Liddell: January 16, 1902 + Kids of Courage/Torchlighters & Chariots of Fire movie Christian Heroes
• Susanna Wesley: January 20, 1669 Sower Series
• Amy Carmichael: December 16, 1867 Christian Heroes
• Martin Luther King Jr.: January 15, 1929 various books
• Father Damien: January 3, 1840  (various) Molokai: The Story of Father Damien (movie) Hawaiian Saint who worked with lepers
• Francis (Franny) Crosby: March 24, 1820 blind hymn writer Trailblazer & Heroes of the Faith
• Samuel Morris/Taylor University: Kids of Courage/Torchlighter & Trailblazer ? no date but could be celebrated in February for Black History Month
• Jim and Elisabeth Elliot: October 8, 1927 & December 21, 1926 MANY resources and books- Through the Gates of Splendor, End of the Spear (movie), Christian Heroes, Kids of Courage, Torchbearer 
• Florence Nightingale: May 12, 1820, nurse, lady with the lamp, Trailblazer, and various
• Henrietta Mears: October 23, 1890, Christian Educator, has a PHD and wrote What the Bible is All About? help founded Gospel Light and she has a biography called Dream Big: The Hennrietta Mears Story
• Ni Shu-tsu/Watchman Nee (China): November 4, 1903 Against the Tide: The Unforgettable Story of Watchman Nee (he wrote quite a few Christian life books)         
• Toyohiko Kagawa- July 10, 1888 Japanese Christian, earthquake, writing
• Peter Cartwright: September 1, 1785 Backwoods Preacher and revivalist Trailblazer
• Elizabeth Fry: May 21, 1780 British prison reformer and humanitarian Heroes of History & Trailblazer
• Dwight L. Moody:  February 5, 1837 founder of Moody Bible Institute Christian Heroes
• Reverend and Mrs. Paton: May 24, 1824 (John G. Paton and Mary Ann Robson Paton) missionaries in the South Seas also known as the Republic of Vanuatu (New Hebrides and the island of Tanna) Trailblazer
• Anne Bradstreet: March 20 1612, Pilgrims first American published poet- books I would like to review: here and here  highlight Puritan influence and/or Women in Church history
• S. Truett Cathy (Samuel): March 14, 1921 founder of Chick-fil-A (various)  Cow Appreciation Day July 9th
• Billy Graham: November 7, 1918, (various), Christian Heroes & Young Christian Library & Trailblazer Hope for Each Day (Devotional for kids)- here
• Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer: February 4, 1906, Christian Heroes & Trailblazer also this might be a good time to introduce the Lent devotional here
• Mary Slessor: December 2, 1848 missionary to Nigeria Christian Heroes & Trailblazer  & Heroes of Faith & Trailblazer
• Don Richardson: June 23, 1935 author and missionary, he is Canadian and possible Canadian Day celebration (July 1st)- Peace Child and Eternity in  Their Hearts Websites: here & here
• Keith Green: October 21, 1953 musician No Compromise & various Youtube Website- Last Days Ministries
• Gladys Aylward: February 24, 1902 missionary to China, Christian Heroes & Kids of Courage & Trailblazer + Trailblazer & Little Lights & a movie Inn of the Sixth Happiness
• William Tyndale: death October 6, 1536 movie God's Outlaw translated the New Testament into English in 1526 Kids of Courage & Heroes of Faith & Trailblazer + Trailblazer
• Grace Chang: missionary to China ????? Called to the Hard Places
• Charles A. Tindley: July 7, 1851 minister and gospel music composer- "We Shall Overcome" & "We'll Understand it Better By and By" & "When the Storms of Life are Raging (Stand By Me)"  By and By (biography)
• David Zeisberger: April 11, 1721 a missionary from Moravia (Czech Republic) to Native American Indians Trailblazer & a PDF file book called Scenes from the Life of David Zeisberger
• Amanda Berry Smith: January 23, 1837, former slave "God's image carved in ebony" Courageous World Changers 
• George Chen/Chen Min Lin: Chinese pastor imprisoned for 18 years article & "The Garden" pray for China- use PDF Bold Believers in China- May Asian Heritage Month
• George Muller: September 27, 1805 Christian evangelist who worked with orphans and Jews in England Christian Heroes & Kids of Courage & Trailblazers & his book Release the Power of Prayer
• Horatio Spafford: October 20, 1828 (hymn studies) wrote "It is Well with My Soul" after family tragedy found Spafford's Children's Home in Israel biography It is Well
• Mother Teresa/Missionaries of Charity: August 26, 1910 MANY BOOKS 
• George Washington Carver: January 24 is Peanut Butter Day or Peanut Butter Lovers Day March 1 many books & Heroes of History 
• Mary McLeod Bethune: July 10, 1875 African-American school teacher and champion of racial equality kids biography & Trailblazer could also read This Far By Faith & Little Leaders
• C.S. Lewis: November 29, 1898 author of The Chronicles of Narnia could be a nice transition to holidays with Advent in Narnia & Tolkien plus many many other resources into Christian Fantasy Literature Christian Heroes **************************** 
• Robert Raikes: September 14, 1736 Father of Sunday School biography and an old book called The Story of Robert Raikes for the Young (try Abesbooks)
• Charles Wesley/John Wesley: December 18, 1707 & June 28, 1703 Charles wrote many hymns and these brothers lead the Methodist movement- books to try or review here & here & here & here
• William Henry Sheppard: March 8, 1865 African-American missionary to the Congo biography & maybe also talk or learn about David Livingstone
• William Wilberforce: August 24, 1759 Heroes of History & Trailblazer & Amazing Grace (movie)
• Lottie Moon: December 12, 1840 missionary to China Christian Heroes & Trailblazer & others Also learn about Annie Armstrong biography
• Prudence Crandall: September 3, 1803 Quaker fighting for equality biography & movie & maybe a good time to introduce Christy
• Joni Eareckson Tada: October 15, 1949 Christian Artist and author and advocate for those with disabilities many books and a movie & her accident occurred July 30, 1967 & her website and ministry 
• Cameron Townsend: July 9, 1896 founder of Wycliffe Bible Translators Christian Heroes & Operation World Prayer Resources 
• Francis Schaeffer: January 30, 1912 Trailblazer & many books he and his wife, Edith Schaeffer November 3, 1914, wrote
• Frances Havergal: December 14, 1836 Trailblazer & she wrote poems and devotionals for children
• OCTOBER is Pastor Appreciation Month 

-Saint Augustine: Feast Day August 28 Christian Biographies for Young Readers 

-Johann Sebastian Bach: March 31

EXTRA Ideas
Authors
Ministries
Missionaries/Heroes in Christian History
Trailblazers
Lightkeepers
Days of Prayer- May 7th, Meet, See You At the Pole Prayer Week for Students September 25th
Church History
Missionary Day- March 5th
Kids of Courage Downloads 

Nehemiah 1:1-11, 2:1-18, 4:1-23

 Nehemiah 1:1-11
1.  When was the last time you wept in prayer for someone who needed God's help?

As noted in my last journal entry, my prayer life has been fairly nonexistent.  It has been a lot of screaming and cussing at God.  I have been angry a lot lately for feeling strung along on this Jesus-Christian-thing because so much of it doesn't make sense any more.  I don't know what the truth is and it doesn't feel like God is ever in the mood to be clear about it.  In all honesty I feel very selfish and wish I could weep in prayer, but I feel numb.   

2.  What word best describes Nehemiah's heart?  Ask God to give you a heart of compassion like Nehemiah's. 

Wow!  Nehemiah's prayer did have me tearing up a little just trying to do what is right.  Trying to please a God we can't see.  Trying to get God to remember.  It doesn't make sense!  Why would God even forget?  I guess the best word to describe Nehemiah's heart is ernest.  He is intentional and with sorrow pleading and praising God through it all. 

3.  Follow Nehemiah's pattern and pray for a person or situation causing you to grieve. 

The world and my mind are causing me to grieve.  The world is so broken.  I can't fix it.  God doesn't seem to want to fix it and if He does He sure is taking His sweet, sweet time.  I want to pray, but it feels so fruitless and empty.  I will give it a try.  It might sound like nothing but the ramblings of a madwoman, though, fair warning. 

Dear God,

Your Word has a lot of promises in it.  I don't feel like you are necessarily keeping up your end of the bargain.  You said if we seek you with all our hearts we would find you.  I have searched and I am still searching and if anything is true you seem farther away.  The frustration I feel I am sure is not mine alone.  People are dying.  I can't go and tell them about you.  I have no money, resources, and my faith is barely hanging on.  How do I trust you?  Please, show us your grace and mercy.  Show us, show me who you are and what your promises will be.  I am lost.  I am going crazy with confusion.  Help me know what to say when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

Amen

Nehemiah 2:1-18
1.  How do you normally handle fearful situations?

I don't know.  I don't have many fearful situations.  I think it depends on the situation.  It also depends on what you view as fearful.  I live a normal life.  There isn't much to "fear".  My main fear is my husband leaving me because he thinks I don't want to put effort into our relationship.  But I also know he can't leave because that would ruin himself (he is a youth pastor).  It would have to get absolutely horrible to have to leave me.  I feel like I am a horrible person because I am fat, ugly, and unskilled.  He never calls me beautiful or even a simple "I love you" any more.  Maybe I need it more than I think because I know there are worse things and people dealing with so much more than I am.  I guess I just ask myself is there more that I could do that would make him love me unconditionally without losing my sanity or myself?  

2.  How can you apply Nehemiah's prayer strategy to your life?

I just need to pray more and pray more naturally and with more reverence.  Right now my prayers are just words.  I don't feel the meaning any more.  As I stated before, I am numb.  I use to not worry about praying out lout in a group and now I do.  It almost seems like the worst thing for a Pastor's wife to admit, but I can't pray out loud in a group any more.  It is all fluff.  It is all clanging symbols.  I can't hear the words.  I just hear noise.  I am struggling.  I am afraid no one will understand.  Here is "fear"- I am being judged.  I don't want to care, but I do.  Why do I care so much about what other people think?  The real fear of loosing my faith is ever present.  

3.  Have you experienced a time when God answered your specific prayer?  Think of someone with whom you can share your story. 

A long time ago as a teenager I did pray for God to give me a car.  I thought I could do great work for Him if only I had a car.  I got a car.  It is the most specific answer to prayer I ever remember receiving.  Also the loan situation that I mention most often in this journal was a huge answer to prayer because I had no idea what was going to happen to my sanity and my life if this wasn't something that could be resolved quickly and easily.  I have shared these stories with various groups from time to time.  I guess they bare repeating, but they don't seem very big or almost real any more.  They were so long ago.  It feels like those were different people.  A person who really, truly trusted God and knew herself.  Now- I don't even know.  I just want to be a good person who has fun from time to time, but WHAT IS THIS LIFE?  It way too challenging.  There are too many ways to think.  There are too many gray areas and it is really messing with my brain recently. 

Nehemiah 4:1-23
1.  What task seems too big or too daunting for you to finish?

Raising my children, cleaning the house, and rebuilding my faith- all these things.  I don't even think these things truly have an end.  They are things that will just keep going and going till death.  I guess I don't have a true task that needs finishing.  There is a task I wish for but it seems highly unlikely and extremely daunting and I am giving that one to God because it would mean a complete life altering change.  I would love to be Catholic, but that can't happen and so I must some how build my faith in a different way that I don't know if I always agree.  Plus I have recently become so embarrassed by my church and its ministries that I want to run away from it all even though that is the cowards way.  I need strength to stay or prayer for renewal.  Be content- even though this particular worry is not money related.

2.  Who could you ask to come alongside you in prayer?

No one.  Maybe my husband but it feels too weird.  Even when we were dating it felt weir to pray together.  Prayer is too personal.  I actually don't want anyone to pray for me.  The only exception would be if it were medical or health related.  The rest of the time prayers from other people are rarely close to what I want.  The wording is strange.  I don't know how to describe it but I don't like it.  Also it has been made pretty clear to me that I will not be having any close friends any time soon so it is just me.  Me in my selfish little bubble that I wish I knew how to pop.  

3.  Write down some good things that might result if you do complete your task.  Ask God to give you the persistence to finish what you've started. 

I don't know.  I don't have a task to completely complete.  God, the ball is in your court.  I just want to write, read, and have fun sometimes.  I don't get paid.  I am lazy.  I am selfish.  I am tired of trying so hard to change.  It is a battle, but I guess you promised one so I am not surprised.  I guess I still wish it didn't have to be like this.  My brain is having a hard time holding all the contradictory ideas of life. 

Ezra 8

1.  How have you found that your reason sometimes interferes with your faith?

SOMETIMES?  Try almost ALL the time.  Reason tells me there are too many exceptions.  My faith is not strong enough.  I want to have faith.  Something or someone is blocking it.  Is this spiritual warfare?  Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing?  I have more questions than answers.  

2.  What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?

I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways.  It is too unpredictable.  I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it.  If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious?  Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly?  If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery?  The world is bigger than the Jews.  The world is bigger than America.  Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups?  Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God.  There is the key word- EASIER.  I don't want this struggle.  It is a struggle that doesn't make sense.  It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane. 

3.  How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?

Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now.  My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense.  His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days.  I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it?  Am I not saved?  I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell.  I wish prayer made sense.  He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil.  And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules".  Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.  

I Kings 10-11, 2 Chronicles 9

I Kings 10:1-29

1.  List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.

On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God.  I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match.  Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time.  One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not?  It doesn't seem at all fair.  Why does the Bible have so many contradictions?  (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.)  Why didn't God literally write the Bible?  Why is the Bible so hard to understand?  Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us?  If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place?  Just a few questions any way.

2.  As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you?  Why or why not?

They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself.  If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time.  To me, it would be illogical.  

3.  Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind.  Then listen to what he has on his.

God,  You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions.  You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you.  I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for.  A lot doesn't make sense exactly.  But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent.  I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day.  Okay, I am ready to listen.

2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)

1.  How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God? 

They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes.  I question.  But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends. 

2.  What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love? 

Honestly I don't really know.  I just be kind.  I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing.  I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts.  Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally. 

3.  Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord.  Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God. 

OK

Ecclesiastes 1-6

Well it looks like I never finished and barely started the last study....life happens and things change.  I am actually surprised I am writing right now because I am on a missions trip in John Day, OR.  Rarely do I even allow myself the luxury of a computer let alone the time to write about heart felt things.  I realize that most of what I write is a jumbled mess of me pouring out my mind- it is what keeps me sane and, trust me, you want me to be sane.  I could also be accused of being reclusive and stand offish but I am old enough to be okay with that- pretty much- though I often wonder if I don't have some type of social anxiety and wonder if there is a way to treat it.  In any case I am going off topic.  

I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up.  But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions.  Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.

Oh joy!  I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm.  It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!

1.  In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?

To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon).  Basically life doesn't make sense.  I hear you there!  I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children.  It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them.  At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked?  The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.

2.  What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?

Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy.  I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard.  I don't have to stress about it much.  I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.

3.  When have you experienced a time of real contentment?

For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness).  Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.