Nehemiah 1:1-11
1. When was the last time you wept in prayer for someone who needed God's help?
As noted in my last journal entry, my prayer life has been fairly nonexistent. It has been a lot of screaming and cussing at God. I have been angry a lot lately for feeling strung along on this Jesus-Christian-thing because so much of it doesn't make sense any more. I don't know what the truth is and it doesn't feel like God is ever in the mood to be clear about it. In all honesty I feel very selfish and wish I could weep in prayer, but I feel numb.
2. What word best describes Nehemiah's heart? Ask God to give you a heart of compassion like Nehemiah's.
Wow! Nehemiah's prayer did have me tearing up a little just trying to do what is right. Trying to please a God we can't see. Trying to get God to remember. It doesn't make sense! Why would God even forget? I guess the best word to describe Nehemiah's heart is ernest. He is intentional and with sorrow pleading and praising God through it all.
3. Follow Nehemiah's pattern and pray for a person or situation causing you to grieve.
The world and my mind are causing me to grieve. The world is so broken. I can't fix it. God doesn't seem to want to fix it and if He does He sure is taking His sweet, sweet time. I want to pray, but it feels so fruitless and empty. I will give it a try. It might sound like nothing but the ramblings of a madwoman, though, fair warning.
Dear God,
Your Word has a lot of promises in it. I don't feel like you are necessarily keeping up your end of the bargain. You said if we seek you with all our hearts we would find you. I have searched and I am still searching and if anything is true you seem farther away. The frustration I feel I am sure is not mine alone. People are dying. I can't go and tell them about you. I have no money, resources, and my faith is barely hanging on. How do I trust you? Please, show us your grace and mercy. Show us, show me who you are and what your promises will be. I am lost. I am going crazy with confusion. Help me know what to say when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Amen
Nehemiah 2:1-18
1. How do you normally handle fearful situations?
I don't know. I don't have many fearful situations. I think it depends on the situation. It also depends on what you view as fearful. I live a normal life. There isn't much to "fear". My main fear is my husband leaving me because he thinks I don't want to put effort into our relationship. But I also know he can't leave because that would ruin himself (he is a youth pastor). It would have to get absolutely horrible to have to leave me. I feel like I am a horrible person because I am fat, ugly, and unskilled. He never calls me beautiful or even a simple "I love you" any more. Maybe I need it more than I think because I know there are worse things and people dealing with so much more than I am. I guess I just ask myself is there more that I could do that would make him love me unconditionally without losing my sanity or myself?
2. How can you apply Nehemiah's prayer strategy to your life?
I just need to pray more and pray more naturally and with more reverence. Right now my prayers are just words. I don't feel the meaning any more. As I stated before, I am numb. I use to not worry about praying out lout in a group and now I do. It almost seems like the worst thing for a Pastor's wife to admit, but I can't pray out loud in a group any more. It is all fluff. It is all clanging symbols. I can't hear the words. I just hear noise. I am struggling. I am afraid no one will understand. Here is "fear"- I am being judged. I don't want to care, but I do. Why do I care so much about what other people think? The real fear of loosing my faith is ever present.
3. Have you experienced a time when God answered your specific prayer? Think of someone with whom you can share your story.
A long time ago as a teenager I did pray for God to give me a car. I thought I could do great work for Him if only I had a car. I got a car. It is the most specific answer to prayer I ever remember receiving. Also the loan situation that I mention most often in this journal was a huge answer to prayer because I had no idea what was going to happen to my sanity and my life if this wasn't something that could be resolved quickly and easily. I have shared these stories with various groups from time to time. I guess they bare repeating, but they don't seem very big or almost real any more. They were so long ago. It feels like those were different people. A person who really, truly trusted God and knew herself. Now- I don't even know. I just want to be a good person who has fun from time to time, but WHAT IS THIS LIFE? It way too challenging. There are too many ways to think. There are too many gray areas and it is really messing with my brain recently.
Nehemiah 4:1-23
1. What task seems too big or too daunting for you to finish?
Raising my children, cleaning the house, and rebuilding my faith- all these things. I don't even think these things truly have an end. They are things that will just keep going and going till death. I guess I don't have a true task that needs finishing. There is a task I wish for but it seems highly unlikely and extremely daunting and I am giving that one to God because it would mean a complete life altering change. I would love to be Catholic, but that can't happen and so I must some how build my faith in a different way that I don't know if I always agree. Plus I have recently become so embarrassed by my church and its ministries that I want to run away from it all even though that is the cowards way. I need strength to stay or prayer for renewal. Be content- even though this particular worry is not money related.
2. Who could you ask to come alongside you in prayer?
No one. Maybe my husband but it feels too weird. Even when we were dating it felt weir to pray together. Prayer is too personal. I actually don't want anyone to pray for me. The only exception would be if it were medical or health related. The rest of the time prayers from other people are rarely close to what I want. The wording is strange. I don't know how to describe it but I don't like it. Also it has been made pretty clear to me that I will not be having any close friends any time soon so it is just me. Me in my selfish little bubble that I wish I knew how to pop.
3. Write down some good things that might result if you do complete your task. Ask God to give you the persistence to finish what you've started.
I don't know. I don't have a task to completely complete. God, the ball is in your court. I just want to write, read, and have fun sometimes. I don't get paid. I am lazy. I am selfish. I am tired of trying so hard to change. It is a battle, but I guess you promised one so I am not surprised. I guess I still wish it didn't have to be like this. My brain is having a hard time holding all the contradictory ideas of life.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Monday, September 25, 2017
Ezra 8
1. How have you found that your reason sometimes interferes with your faith?
SOMETIMES? Try almost ALL the time. Reason tells me there are too many exceptions. My faith is not strong enough. I want to have faith. Something or someone is blocking it. Is this spiritual warfare? Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing? I have more questions than answers.
2. What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?
I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways. It is too unpredictable. I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it. If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious? Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly? If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery? The world is bigger than the Jews. The world is bigger than America. Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups? Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God. There is the key word- EASIER. I don't want this struggle. It is a struggle that doesn't make sense. It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane.
3. How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?
Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now. My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense. His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days. I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it? Am I not saved? I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell. I wish prayer made sense. He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil. And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules". Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.
SOMETIMES? Try almost ALL the time. Reason tells me there are too many exceptions. My faith is not strong enough. I want to have faith. Something or someone is blocking it. Is this spiritual warfare? Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing? I have more questions than answers.
2. What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?
I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways. It is too unpredictable. I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it. If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious? Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly? If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery? The world is bigger than the Jews. The world is bigger than America. Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups? Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God. There is the key word- EASIER. I don't want this struggle. It is a struggle that doesn't make sense. It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane.
3. How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?
Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now. My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense. His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days. I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it? Am I not saved? I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell. I wish prayer made sense. He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil. And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules". Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
I Kings 10-11, 2 Chronicles 9
I Kings 10:1-29
1. List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.
On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God. I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match. Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time. One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not? It doesn't seem at all fair. Why does the Bible have so many contradictions? (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.) Why didn't God literally write the Bible? Why is the Bible so hard to understand? Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us? If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place? Just a few questions any way.
2. As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you? Why or why not?
They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself. If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time. To me, it would be illogical.
3. Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind. Then listen to what he has on his.
God, You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions. You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you. I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for. A lot doesn't make sense exactly. But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent. I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day. Okay, I am ready to listen.
2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)
1. How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God?
They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes. I question. But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends.
2. What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love?
Honestly I don't really know. I just be kind. I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing. I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts. Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally.
3. Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord. Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God.
OK
1. List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.
On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God. I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match. Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time. One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not? It doesn't seem at all fair. Why does the Bible have so many contradictions? (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.) Why didn't God literally write the Bible? Why is the Bible so hard to understand? Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us? If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place? Just a few questions any way.
2. As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you? Why or why not?
They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself. If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time. To me, it would be illogical.
3. Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind. Then listen to what he has on his.
God, You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions. You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you. I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for. A lot doesn't make sense exactly. But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent. I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day. Okay, I am ready to listen.
2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)
1. How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God?
They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes. I question. But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends.
2. What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love?
Honestly I don't really know. I just be kind. I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing. I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts. Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally.
3. Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord. Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God.
OK
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Ecclesiastes 1-6
Well it looks like I never finished and barely started the last study....life happens and things change. I am actually surprised I am writing right now because I am on a missions trip in John Day, OR. Rarely do I even allow myself the luxury of a computer let alone the time to write about heart felt things. I realize that most of what I write is a jumbled mess of me pouring out my mind- it is what keeps me sane and, trust me, you want me to be sane. I could also be accused of being reclusive and stand offish but I am old enough to be okay with that- pretty much- though I often wonder if I don't have some type of social anxiety and wonder if there is a way to treat it. In any case I am going off topic.
I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up. But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions. Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.
Oh joy! I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm. It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!
1. In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?
To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon). Basically life doesn't make sense. I hear you there! I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children. It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them. At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked? The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.
2. What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?
Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy. I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard. I don't have to stress about it much. I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.
3. When have you experienced a time of real contentment?
For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness). Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.
I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up. But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions. Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.
Oh joy! I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm. It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!
1. In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?
To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon). Basically life doesn't make sense. I hear you there! I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children. It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them. At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked? The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.
2. What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?
Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy. I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard. I don't have to stress about it much. I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.
3. When have you experienced a time of real contentment?
For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness). Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Chapter 1 The Amateurs (Study Guide)
PERSONAL STUDY RESPONSE FOR FRESH WIND, FRESH FIRE
This appears to be an inspirational story of a pastor, his wife, and their church and how it grew. Jim Cymbala began pastoring a church in Brooklyn with only about 20 members, but he listened to God's call to pray and seek and He would grow the church. One of the first challenges addressed in this book was a financial problem. They could not pay their mortgage. But God provides with a mysterious donation of $100. This prepared Jim and Carol (his wife) to expect great and miraculous things from God.
I loved the part where Jim realizes that God is attracted to weakness. Jim said, "I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit they desperately need Him." God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I have certainly seen this to be true in my life. I am nothing if not weak and foolish. Only God is the reason I wake up to keep the faith and to try things that continually fail. When we pretend, it grieves God's Spirit. He has amazing power. He can not show His power through someone who boasts or is proud. It doesn't work out well for us. If we think we are the reason for success then we will not be able to accept His grace and His gifts. When we humble ourselves God will lift us up- James 4:10. He gives us things we could not have imagined. He wants us to live without anxiety and fear, and being humble brings us closer to that step.
I have told this story before but it never gets old. I have had to depend totally on the Lord and His provision when I was being about to be sued for failing to pay off my loans which had risen to astronomical unrealistic payments. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't have a job and I didn't have anything of real value that could be taken. I was living in constant stress and anxiety while trying to nurse a month old baby. I was barely eating so she wasn't doing well either. Through God and MANY prayers (I knew people were praying for me) I was able to step up and went to every bank I could to apply for a personal loan to cover half the loan- that is what they were willing to settle for- the amount was for a little more then $28, 000. I had to humbly ask my mother-in-law to let us borrow from her line of credit ($10,000) and then have her cosign for the rest. It took about a month before we were able to find a bank willing to loan us some money. Every time the phone rang I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, hide, pull out my hair- my heart would leap into my throat- it was the worst feeling. Only God put all the pieces together. Without going through this I might have been tempted to think I could do everything on my own.
God sometimes makes what He will do for us conditional on our hunger for Him because He doesn't want robots serving Him. He wants us to choose to love Him, praise Him, serve Him. If He forced us to love Him it wouldn't be love. "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." II Chronicles 7:14. God wants us to be aware that we have a CHOICE. We all have a choice.
Prayer is important. God wants to hear from us. When we don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit speaks for us and that is how we can see the Spirit working. As I have gotten older prayer has become harder- not easier. I am not sure why. My prayers are mostly groanings and confusion. When I pray for the church it reminds me of those in need and the Spirit leads me to think of practical ways I can help. I am trusting God to give me opportunities to strengthen my prayer life.
In closing, this is the start of an inspirational story that I think will stick with me. Hopefully I am prepared for the long haul.
This appears to be an inspirational story of a pastor, his wife, and their church and how it grew. Jim Cymbala began pastoring a church in Brooklyn with only about 20 members, but he listened to God's call to pray and seek and He would grow the church. One of the first challenges addressed in this book was a financial problem. They could not pay their mortgage. But God provides with a mysterious donation of $100. This prepared Jim and Carol (his wife) to expect great and miraculous things from God.
I loved the part where Jim realizes that God is attracted to weakness. Jim said, "I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit they desperately need Him." God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I have certainly seen this to be true in my life. I am nothing if not weak and foolish. Only God is the reason I wake up to keep the faith and to try things that continually fail. When we pretend, it grieves God's Spirit. He has amazing power. He can not show His power through someone who boasts or is proud. It doesn't work out well for us. If we think we are the reason for success then we will not be able to accept His grace and His gifts. When we humble ourselves God will lift us up- James 4:10. He gives us things we could not have imagined. He wants us to live without anxiety and fear, and being humble brings us closer to that step.
I have told this story before but it never gets old. I have had to depend totally on the Lord and His provision when I was being about to be sued for failing to pay off my loans which had risen to astronomical unrealistic payments. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't have a job and I didn't have anything of real value that could be taken. I was living in constant stress and anxiety while trying to nurse a month old baby. I was barely eating so she wasn't doing well either. Through God and MANY prayers (I knew people were praying for me) I was able to step up and went to every bank I could to apply for a personal loan to cover half the loan- that is what they were willing to settle for- the amount was for a little more then $28, 000. I had to humbly ask my mother-in-law to let us borrow from her line of credit ($10,000) and then have her cosign for the rest. It took about a month before we were able to find a bank willing to loan us some money. Every time the phone rang I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, hide, pull out my hair- my heart would leap into my throat- it was the worst feeling. Only God put all the pieces together. Without going through this I might have been tempted to think I could do everything on my own.
God sometimes makes what He will do for us conditional on our hunger for Him because He doesn't want robots serving Him. He wants us to choose to love Him, praise Him, serve Him. If He forced us to love Him it wouldn't be love. "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." II Chronicles 7:14. God wants us to be aware that we have a CHOICE. We all have a choice.
Prayer is important. God wants to hear from us. When we don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit speaks for us and that is how we can see the Spirit working. As I have gotten older prayer has become harder- not easier. I am not sure why. My prayers are mostly groanings and confusion. When I pray for the church it reminds me of those in need and the Spirit leads me to think of practical ways I can help. I am trusting God to give me opportunities to strengthen my prayer life.
In closing, this is the start of an inspirational story that I think will stick with me. Hopefully I am prepared for the long haul.
Friday, March 24, 2017
A Personal Study with Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire
Get ready! I am starting a 22 day study (so I can be done by Easter) with the book....Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala with Dean Merrill.
I am giving myself 2 days per chapter so hopefully that will be enough. I don't really know what this book is about but I am excited to see where this goes.
I am giving myself 2 days per chapter so hopefully that will be enough. I don't really know what this book is about but I am excited to see where this goes.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Exodus 13-15
"Be Still" Exodus 14:1-31
1. What do you most fear?
I fear basic social interactions. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing. I am afraid of being judged by the small interactions I do have. I also am afraid to share the gospel. I am afraid of losing my security and money.
2. How has your fear caused you to fight or take flight rather than be still and trust God?
I hide from others. I stay home.
3. Take some time to "be still" before the Lord and ask him to deliver you from your fears.
1. What do you most fear?
I fear basic social interactions. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing. I am afraid of being judged by the small interactions I do have. I also am afraid to share the gospel. I am afraid of losing my security and money.
2. How has your fear caused you to fight or take flight rather than be still and trust God?
I hide from others. I stay home.
3. Take some time to "be still" before the Lord and ask him to deliver you from your fears.
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