Genesis 32-34

"He Breaks Us to Make Us"  Genesis 32:22-32

1.  Describe the times you have wandered from God and how you sensed him relentlessly seeking you.

Shortly after college I kinda wandered from God.  I just had so many doubts.  My faith had grown weak.  I don't know if there was a specific event or what exactly led up to it, but it was shortly after that I met my husband.  God never let me go very far.

2.  How has God broken you physically, emotionally, or spiritually?  What was the result?

God has broken me emotionally.  I am not strong and He reminds me often to rely on Him.  I feel a lot of jealousy and He keeps me in check.  He keeps me humble.

3.  God is a good shepherd; thank him for his care for you even when you don't always understand his methods.

Thank you, God for your care even went I don't always understand your methods.

"Innocence Lost"  Genesis 34:1-31

1.  Describe a time when someone abused you either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

There were two very twisted times in college.  The first time I felt vulnerable because I didn't have money to buy much food.  I don't even really know how to describe it because there was a mixture of consent and then it turned awkward and then very wrong.  The guy, I was "helping" clean his house in exchange for food, but there were sexual advances and no defined relationship and then eventually I just tried to get away from him and he made me feel uncomfortable.  I had to go into counseling.  It was so messed up.  I don't think about it or talk about it much for obvious reasons.  The second time was a little more clear.  I was dating a guy but he turned out to be very pushy and tried to get me to do things I did not want to do.  At least he took the hint and left me alone after a little while.

Right now it my life I feel I am being punished for a lot my sexual sin because now I deal with emotional and mental abuse.  It isn't extreme but it makes me feel bad about myself and who I am.  I don't feel vengeance (well maybe a little in the heat of the moment) or like I "deserve" better...I know God has a plan for where I am at right now.

2.  How did it impact not just you but also those around you?

It just makes me feel sick thinking about how I could have handled things better and that in my situation it wasn't totally someone else to blame.  I messed up too.  The two friends I told very specifically about this have gone (one is totally not even in my life any more and the other one has become an atheist) and I don't know if the first incident had anything to do with our split.  Life feels not so black and white after these twisted times.  

3.  What are God's promises to you that he will forgive you and restore you?  Write an exchange prayer, trading in your feelings of pain, sorrow, or loss for the victory of being a believer.

In this situation, I do need to ask for some forgiveness but not all abuse victims need to be "forgiven" so I think this is a weird and poorly worded question.  Even if I am not restored in this life in the next I know I will be made like Christ.

Dear God,  I exchange all the twisted, messed up sexual sins that have led me to where I am for life in you, hope in you.  You will not let me be damaged forever.  Amen