Carrie E. Breck

 

Dear God, 

Thank you for Carrie E. Breck and the words you gave her to write beautiful hymns.  I have never heard of her before but I will search diligently and faithfully for her poetry turned to music.  I am encouraged to learn and listen to the poems she wrote that Mr. Tullar and others turned into songs of praise.  She is buried so close by that I feel a spark of joy that she was an Oregonian at the end of her life.  May I learn from her that I can rest and sit and write or read poetry or sing hymns to my beloved Lord, Jesus Christ. "Face to face" may I see him clearly some day and may I be working and watching and praying all my days on earth.  

Amen

Recommended Reading:

I John 3 

I Corinthians 13:12

Reflections 

Carrie Elizabeth Ellis Breck- hymns/lyrics

 

 

Eliza Shirley

 

Dear God,

Thank you for Eliza Shirley and her dedication to you.  She was a young woman who spread the gospel with the help of the Salvation Army.  She helped start the Salvation Army in America.  She and her mother were known as "Two Hallelujah Females".  What a blessed life!  We need more hallelujah females.  Please raise me up to be unafraid to share the gospel.  Give me courage to teach others that they can become a new creation in You.  We no longer have to live in our old sinful ways but we can be clean and new.  

Amen

Recommended Reading:

II Corinthians 5

The Hallelujah Lass 

History's Women

The Salvation Army 

Calendar

JANUARY

*Rachel Saint- January 2, 1914

Father Damien- January 3, 1840 (p 120)

*Max Lucado- January 11, 1955

Menno Simons- January 12, 1536 (p 48)

*Frank E. Peretti- January 13, 1951

Martin Luther King Jr.- January 15, 1929 (p 112)

Eric Liddell- January 16, 1902 (p 88)- 59

Susanna Wesley- January 20, 1669 (p 96)- 103

Amanda Berry Smith- January 23, 1837 (p 312)

Katie Luther- January 29, 1499- 61

Francis Schaeffer- January 30, 1912 (p 440)

FEBRUARY

Samuel Morris- Black History Month (p 136)/*Charles Mulli (Mully Children)

*Evelyn Husband and Rick Husband- February 1, 2003 Space Shuttle Columbia

Hannah More- February 2, 1745- 67

Rosa Parks- February  4, 1913- 75

Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer- February 4, 1906 (p 240)

Dwight L. Moody- February 5, 1837 (p 200)- 65

*Jonathan Goforth- February 10, 1859 

*Mildred Cable- February 21, 1878

*Betty Greene- First official missions flight/one of the original founders of Mission Aviation Fellowship February 23, 1945

Gladys Aylward- February 24, 1902 (p 272)- 15

*Wilfred Grenfell- February 28, 1865

MARCH

George Washington Carver- March 1 is Peanut Butter Lovers Day (p 352)- 35

WORLD DAY OF PRAYER- March 5th

William Henry Sheppard- March 8, 1865 (p 392)

*S. Truett Cathy- March 14, 1921 (p 224)

Saint Patrick- March 17- 77

*David Livingstone- March 19, 1813

Anne Bradstreet- March 20, 1612 (p 216)- 25

Francis (Franny) Crosby- March 24, 1820 (p 128)- 39

*Richard Wurmbrand- March 24, 1909- 109

Johann Sebastian Bach- March 31, 1685- 17

APRIL

Mary Jones- Walking Day is the first Wednesday in April (she walked 26 miles barefoot to get a Bible)- 51

*Paul Hutchens- April 7, 1902

*William Booth (wife Catherine)- April 10, 1829- 23

David Zeisberger- April 11, 1721 (p 304) 

*Samuel Zwemer- April 12, 1867

George Frideric Handel- April 14, 1759 (death)

Corrie ten Boom- April 15, 1892 (p 56)- 21

*Robin Jones Gunn- April 18, 1955

*Saint George Feast Day- April 23

*Apostle Mark/Saint Mark Feast Day- April 25

Lord Shaftesbury/Anthony Ashley-Cooper, 7th Earl of Shaftesbury- April 28, 1801- 85

MAY

National Day of Prayer (first Thursday in May)

George Chen/Chen Min Lin- Asian Heritage Month 

*Lois Gladys Leppard- May 9, 1924

Brother Andrew- May 11, 1928 (p 40)- 11

Florence Nightingale- May 12, 1820 (p 152)- 73

*James Hudson Taylor- May 21, 1832- 93

Elizabeth Fry- May 21, 1780 (p 192)

Reverend and Mrs. Paton- May 24, 1824 (p 208)

*Count Nikolaus von Zinzendorf- May 26, 1700

*G.K. Chesterton- May 29, 1874

JUNE

*Rob Evans- DOUGHNUT MAN June 5th is Doughnut Day

*Rachel Held Evans- June 8, 1981

John M. Perkins- June 16, 1930 (p 64)

*Phil Vischer- June 16, 1966

*Charles Loring Brace- June 19, 1826

Charles Spurgeon- June 19, 1834- 89

Don Richardson- June 23, 1935 (p 256)

*John Williams- June 27, 1796

John Wesley- June 28, 1703- 101

Pastor Li De Xian- June 29 the Day of the Christian Martyr 

*Loren Cunningham- June 30, 1936

JULY

Charles A. Tindley- July 7, 1851 (p 296)

Cameron Townsend- July 9, 1896

Toyohiko Kagawa- July 10, 1888

 Mary McLeod Bethune- July 10, 1875

*John Calvin- July 10, 1509- 29

 *Klaus-Dieter John- July 13, 1952

Lilias Trotter- July 14, 1853- 95

Rembrandt- July 15, 1606- 81

*Dr. Paul Brand- July 17, 1914 

*Rebecca St. James- July 26, 1977

AUGUST

*Norman Grubb- August 2, 1895

*John Newton- August 4, 1725- 71

*Adoniram Judson- August 9, 1788- 53

*William Carey- August 17, 1761- 31

*Francis Asbury- August 20, 1745

-Birthday of Moravian Missions/Protestant Missionaries- August 21, 1732 ("Do all in the Spirit of Jesus Christ")

Selina, Countess of Huntingdon- August 24, 1707- 83

William Wilberforce- August 24, 1759- 107

Mother Teresa/Missionaries of Charity- August 26, 1910 (Feast Day is Sept. 5th)

Saint Augustine of Hippo- August 28th Feast Day- 13

*Nate Saint- August 30, 1923

 SEPTEMBER

Peter Cartwright- September 1, 1785

Prudence Crandall- September 3, 1803 

*Sundar Singh- September 3, 1889

*Katharina Zell- September 5, 1562 (death)- 113

-Zinzendorf and Countess Erdmuth Dorothea von Reuss married- September 7, 1722

Saint John Chrysostom- September 13 (Feast Day)- 37

Robert Raikes- September 14, 1736- 79

Thomas Barnardo- September 19, 1905 (death)- 19

*Helen Roseveare- September 21, 1925

*J.R.R. Tolkien- Hobbit Day/September 22

*Lillian Trasher- September 27, 1887

George Mueller- September 27, 1805- 69

Argula von Grumbach- September 30ish or September 1 (she was Bavarian so celebrate her around Octoberfest?)- 49

OCTOBER

Pastor Appreciation Month

Jimmy Carter- October 1, 1924

William Tyndale- Death October 6, 1536  (p 280)- 97

*Michael W. Smith- October 7, 1957

Jim Elliott- October 8, 1927- 45

*Florence Young- October 10, 1856

King Edward VI of England- October 12, 1537- 43

Joni Eareckson Tada- October 15, 1949- 41

Horatio Spafford- October 20, 1828

Keith Green- October 21, 1953 (p 264)

Henrietta Mears- October 23, 1890!

Reformation Day/Martin Luther- October 31, 1517- 63

 NOVEMBER

First Sunday in November is the International Day of Prayer (IDOP) for the Persecuted Church

*Edith Schaeffer- November 3, 1914

Watchman Nee/Ni Shu-tsu- November 4, 1903

Billy Graham- November 7, 1918- 47

*David Bussau- November 10, 1940

*Jago (Illustrator)- November 12, 1979

*Jacob DeShazer- November 15, 1912

*Lois Walfrid Johnson- November 23, 1936

John Knox- November 24, 1572 (death)- 55

*John Flynn- November 25, 1880

C.S. Lewis- November 29, 1898- 57

*John Bunyan- baptism November 30, 1628- 27

 

 DECEMBER

Mary Slessor- December 2, 1848- 87

*C.T. Studd- December 2, 1860- 91

*Ida Scudder- December 9, 1870

Lottie (Charlotte) Moon- December 12, 1840

Frances Havergal- December 14, 1836 (p 448)

*Clarence Wesley Jones- December 15, 1900

George Whitefield- December 16, 1714- 105

Amy Carmichael- December 16, 1867- 33

*Isobel Miller Kuhn- December 17, 1901

*Charles Wesley- December 18, 1707- 99

*Elisabeth Elliott- December 21, 1926- 45

*John Wycliffe- December 31, 1384 (death)- 111

Fanny Crosby

 

Dear God,

Thank you for Fanny Crosby and blessing us with her beautiful hymns.  I don't think I could even pick a favorite.  They instantly transport me to my childhood at our church in California.  I especially remember singing "Jesus is Tenderly Calling You Home" while the deacons with their handsome, crisp suits would file into the aisles and kneel on the stage steps in absolute humility.  My childhood heart saw this ritual performed over and over again with such love and grace.  I knew you were there.  I knew you were calling me.  You were the only one who could change my rebellious, sinful heart.  

"Jesus is waiting; O come to Him now-
Waiting today, waiting today;
Come with thy sins, at His feet lowly bow-
Come, and no longer delay. 

Calling today,
Calling today,
Jesus is calling,
Is tenderly calling today."

I confess I am in a place that I do not like.  It is hard.  It kinda sucks.  I am fearful.  I am nervous and could cry every minute of every day.  I miss my freedom, but I believe and trust that this is where you want me right now.  And I know the freedom I have in you will be the ultimate prize.  This is a test of faith.  Fanny Crosby is an example of that faith to keep me going.  I cling to Jesus and I can't wait till I reach my true home.

Amen

Recommended Reading- Psalm 48

Fanny Crosby Hymn Playlist

Instrumental "Jesus is Tenderly Calling" 

Lyrics "Jesus is Tenderly Calling" 

Piano Fanny Crosby Hymns

3 Gifts Stamped

-Almost any handmade art by my girls

Thank you, God, for my family.  They can turn my whole day around.

-Books, stamped from the library

Thank you, God, for being able to borrow books from the library and opening my world. 

-Christmas cards stamped with art or in the mail stamped with a stamp

Thank you, God, that people some people do send physical Christmas cards.  I love seeing them and thinking and praying for the person who sent them. 

December Joy Dare

3 Gifts Ugly Beautiful:

-My body
Thank you, God, for my body.  It may not be conventionally beautiful, but I am choosing to believe it is beautiful to God and to those who truly love me.

-My house
Thank you, God, for our ugly beautiful house.  It is ugly because it is mostly hallway and the dining room leaves much to be desired but it is beautiful because I have my family here. 

-Christmas sweaters
Thank you, God, for funny "ugly beautiful" Christmas sweaters.  They are fun and festive. 

November Joy Dare

3 Gifts Government:

-EBT/Food Stamps

Thank you, God, for food stamps.  It is uncomfortable and embarrassing, but I don't know how we would be able to eat even marginally healthy without the money to buy food.

-Humor for late night talk shows

Thank you for the hilarious news that is crazy and horrible but made bearable by how many jokes come from the president and his administration.

-The history of our government

Thank you for all the things I have learned and still have the opportunity to learn about the history of our government. 

Fruitful Lives/Missions Spotlight Ideas

• Brother Andrew: May 11, 1928 God's Smuggler Trailblazer & Christian Heroes
• Menno Simons: January 12, 1536 when he joined the Anabaptists and became a Mennonite Church founder, Trailblazer
• Corrie ten Boom: April 15, 1892 (movie and book) The Hiding Place Christian Heroes
• John M. Perkins: June 16, 1930 many books, African American fighting for jobs and fair wages, Dream with Me
• Pastor Li De Xian (China/newspaper/persecuted church): May 8 his church was raided, introduce Jesus Freak and The Voice of the Martyrs (June 29 is the Day of the Christian Martyr)
• Jimmy Carter (Habitat for Humanity) October 1, 1924 If I Had a Hammer and various biographies plus Faith
• Eric Liddell: January 16, 1902 + Kids of Courage/Torchlighters & Chariots of Fire movie Christian Heroes
• Susanna Wesley: January 20, 1669 Sower Series
• Amy Carmichael: December 16, 1867 Christian Heroes
• Martin Luther King Jr.: January 15, 1929 various books
• Father Damien: January 3, 1840  (various) Molokai: The Story of Father Damien (movie) Hawaiian Saint who worked with lepers
• Francis (Franny) Crosby: March 24, 1820 blind hymn writer Trailblazer & Heroes of the Faith
• Samuel Morris/Taylor University: Kids of Courage/Torchlighter & Trailblazer ? no date but could be celebrated in February for Black History Month
• Jim and Elisabeth Elliot: October 8, 1927 & December 21, 1926 MANY resources and books- Through the Gates of Splendor, End of the Spear (movie), Christian Heroes, Kids of Courage, Torchbearer 
• Florence Nightingale: May 12, 1820, nurse, lady with the lamp, Trailblazer, and various
• Henrietta Mears: October 23, 1890, Christian Educator, has a PHD and wrote What the Bible is All About? help founded Gospel Light and she has a biography called Dream Big: The Hennrietta Mears Story
• Ni Shu-tsu/Watchman Nee (China): November 4, 1903 Against the Tide: The Unforgettable Story of Watchman Nee (he wrote quite a few Christian life books)         
• Toyohiko Kagawa- July 10, 1888 Japanese Christian, earthquake, writing
• Peter Cartwright: September 1, 1785 Backwoods Preacher and revivalist Trailblazer
• Elizabeth Fry: May 21, 1780 British prison reformer and humanitarian Heroes of History & Trailblazer
• Dwight L. Moody:  February 5, 1837 founder of Moody Bible Institute Christian Heroes
• Reverend and Mrs. Paton: May 24, 1824 (John G. Paton and Mary Ann Robson Paton) missionaries in the South Seas also known as the Republic of Vanuatu (New Hebrides and the island of Tanna) Trailblazer
• Anne Bradstreet: March 20 1612, Pilgrims first American published poet- books I would like to review: here and here  highlight Puritan influence and/or Women in Church history
• S. Truett Cathy (Samuel): March 14, 1921 founder of Chick-fil-A (various)  Cow Appreciation Day July 9th
• Billy Graham: November 7, 1918, (various), Christian Heroes & Young Christian Library & Trailblazer Hope for Each Day (Devotional for kids)- here
• Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer: February 4, 1906, Christian Heroes & Trailblazer also this might be a good time to introduce the Lent devotional here
• Mary Slessor: December 2, 1848 missionary to Nigeria Christian Heroes & Trailblazer  & Heroes of Faith & Trailblazer
• Don Richardson: June 23, 1935 author and missionary, he is Canadian and possible Canadian Day celebration (July 1st)- Peace Child and Eternity in  Their Hearts Websites: here & here
• Keith Green: October 21, 1953 musician No Compromise & various Youtube Website- Last Days Ministries
• Gladys Aylward: February 24, 1902 missionary to China, Christian Heroes & Kids of Courage & Trailblazer + Trailblazer & Little Lights & a movie Inn of the Sixth Happiness
• William Tyndale: death October 6, 1536 movie God's Outlaw translated the New Testament into English in 1526 Kids of Courage & Heroes of Faith & Trailblazer + Trailblazer
• Grace Chang: missionary to China ????? Called to the Hard Places
• Charles A. Tindley: July 7, 1851 minister and gospel music composer- "We Shall Overcome" & "We'll Understand it Better By and By" & "When the Storms of Life are Raging (Stand By Me)"  By and By (biography)
• David Zeisberger: April 11, 1721 a missionary from Moravia (Czech Republic) to Native American Indians Trailblazer & a PDF file book called Scenes from the Life of David Zeisberger
• Amanda Berry Smith: January 23, 1837, former slave "God's image carved in ebony" Courageous World Changers 
• George Chen/Chen Min Lin: Chinese pastor imprisoned for 18 years article & "The Garden" pray for China- use PDF Bold Believers in China- May Asian Heritage Month
• George Muller: September 27, 1805 Christian evangelist who worked with orphans and Jews in England Christian Heroes & Kids of Courage & Trailblazers & his book Release the Power of Prayer
• Horatio Spafford: October 20, 1828 (hymn studies) wrote "It is Well with My Soul" after family tragedy found Spafford's Children's Home in Israel biography It is Well
• Mother Teresa/Missionaries of Charity: August 26, 1910 MANY BOOKS 
• George Washington Carver: January 24 is Peanut Butter Day or Peanut Butter Lovers Day March 1 many books & Heroes of History 
• Mary McLeod Bethune: July 10, 1875 African-American school teacher and champion of racial equality kids biography & Trailblazer could also read This Far By Faith & Little Leaders
• C.S. Lewis: November 29, 1898 author of The Chronicles of Narnia could be a nice transition to holidays with Advent in Narnia & Tolkien plus many many other resources into Christian Fantasy Literature Christian Heroes **************************** 
• Robert Raikes: September 14, 1736 Father of Sunday School biography and an old book called The Story of Robert Raikes for the Young (try Abesbooks)
• Charles Wesley/John Wesley: December 18, 1707 & June 28, 1703 Charles wrote many hymns and these brothers lead the Methodist movement- books to try or review here & here & here & here
• William Henry Sheppard: March 8, 1865 African-American missionary to the Congo biography & maybe also talk or learn about David Livingstone
• William Wilberforce: August 24, 1759 Heroes of History & Trailblazer & Amazing Grace (movie)
• Lottie Moon: December 12, 1840 missionary to China Christian Heroes & Trailblazer & others Also learn about Annie Armstrong biography
• Prudence Crandall: September 3, 1803 Quaker fighting for equality biography & movie & maybe a good time to introduce Christy
• Joni Eareckson Tada: October 15, 1949 Christian Artist and author and advocate for those with disabilities many books and a movie & her accident occurred July 30, 1967 & her website and ministry 
• Cameron Townsend: July 9, 1896 founder of Wycliffe Bible Translators Christian Heroes & Operation World Prayer Resources 
• Francis Schaeffer: January 30, 1912 Trailblazer & many books he and his wife, Edith Schaeffer November 3, 1914, wrote
• Frances Havergal: December 14, 1836 Trailblazer & she wrote poems and devotionals for children
• OCTOBER is Pastor Appreciation Month 

-Saint Augustine: Feast Day August 28 Christian Biographies for Young Readers 

-Johann Sebastian Bach: March 31

EXTRA Ideas
Authors
Ministries
Missionaries/Heroes in Christian History
Trailblazers
Lightkeepers
Days of Prayer- May 7th, Meet, See You At the Pole Prayer Week for Students September 25th
Church History
Missionary Day- March 5th
Kids of Courage Downloads 

Nehemiah 1:1-11, 2:1-18, 4:1-23

 Nehemiah 1:1-11
1.  When was the last time you wept in prayer for someone who needed God's help?

As noted in my last journal entry, my prayer life has been fairly nonexistent.  It has been a lot of screaming and cussing at God.  I have been angry a lot lately for feeling strung along on this Jesus-Christian-thing because so much of it doesn't make sense any more.  I don't know what the truth is and it doesn't feel like God is ever in the mood to be clear about it.  In all honesty I feel very selfish and wish I could weep in prayer, but I feel numb.   

2.  What word best describes Nehemiah's heart?  Ask God to give you a heart of compassion like Nehemiah's. 

Wow!  Nehemiah's prayer did have me tearing up a little just trying to do what is right.  Trying to please a God we can't see.  Trying to get God to remember.  It doesn't make sense!  Why would God even forget?  I guess the best word to describe Nehemiah's heart is ernest.  He is intentional and with sorrow pleading and praising God through it all. 

3.  Follow Nehemiah's pattern and pray for a person or situation causing you to grieve. 

The world and my mind are causing me to grieve.  The world is so broken.  I can't fix it.  God doesn't seem to want to fix it and if He does He sure is taking His sweet, sweet time.  I want to pray, but it feels so fruitless and empty.  I will give it a try.  It might sound like nothing but the ramblings of a madwoman, though, fair warning. 

Dear God,

Your Word has a lot of promises in it.  I don't feel like you are necessarily keeping up your end of the bargain.  You said if we seek you with all our hearts we would find you.  I have searched and I am still searching and if anything is true you seem farther away.  The frustration I feel I am sure is not mine alone.  People are dying.  I can't go and tell them about you.  I have no money, resources, and my faith is barely hanging on.  How do I trust you?  Please, show us your grace and mercy.  Show us, show me who you are and what your promises will be.  I am lost.  I am going crazy with confusion.  Help me know what to say when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.

Amen

Nehemiah 2:1-18
1.  How do you normally handle fearful situations?

I don't know.  I don't have many fearful situations.  I think it depends on the situation.  It also depends on what you view as fearful.  I live a normal life.  There isn't much to "fear".  My main fear is my husband leaving me because he thinks I don't want to put effort into our relationship.  But I also know he can't leave because that would ruin himself (he is a youth pastor).  It would have to get absolutely horrible to have to leave me.  I feel like I am a horrible person because I am fat, ugly, and unskilled.  He never calls me beautiful or even a simple "I love you" any more.  Maybe I need it more than I think because I know there are worse things and people dealing with so much more than I am.  I guess I just ask myself is there more that I could do that would make him love me unconditionally without losing my sanity or myself?  

2.  How can you apply Nehemiah's prayer strategy to your life?

I just need to pray more and pray more naturally and with more reverence.  Right now my prayers are just words.  I don't feel the meaning any more.  As I stated before, I am numb.  I use to not worry about praying out lout in a group and now I do.  It almost seems like the worst thing for a Pastor's wife to admit, but I can't pray out loud in a group any more.  It is all fluff.  It is all clanging symbols.  I can't hear the words.  I just hear noise.  I am struggling.  I am afraid no one will understand.  Here is "fear"- I am being judged.  I don't want to care, but I do.  Why do I care so much about what other people think?  The real fear of loosing my faith is ever present.  

3.  Have you experienced a time when God answered your specific prayer?  Think of someone with whom you can share your story. 

A long time ago as a teenager I did pray for God to give me a car.  I thought I could do great work for Him if only I had a car.  I got a car.  It is the most specific answer to prayer I ever remember receiving.  Also the loan situation that I mention most often in this journal was a huge answer to prayer because I had no idea what was going to happen to my sanity and my life if this wasn't something that could be resolved quickly and easily.  I have shared these stories with various groups from time to time.  I guess they bare repeating, but they don't seem very big or almost real any more.  They were so long ago.  It feels like those were different people.  A person who really, truly trusted God and knew herself.  Now- I don't even know.  I just want to be a good person who has fun from time to time, but WHAT IS THIS LIFE?  It way too challenging.  There are too many ways to think.  There are too many gray areas and it is really messing with my brain recently. 

Nehemiah 4:1-23
1.  What task seems too big or too daunting for you to finish?

Raising my children, cleaning the house, and rebuilding my faith- all these things.  I don't even think these things truly have an end.  They are things that will just keep going and going till death.  I guess I don't have a true task that needs finishing.  There is a task I wish for but it seems highly unlikely and extremely daunting and I am giving that one to God because it would mean a complete life altering change.  I would love to be Catholic, but that can't happen and so I must some how build my faith in a different way that I don't know if I always agree.  Plus I have recently become so embarrassed by my church and its ministries that I want to run away from it all even though that is the cowards way.  I need strength to stay or prayer for renewal.  Be content- even though this particular worry is not money related.

2.  Who could you ask to come alongside you in prayer?

No one.  Maybe my husband but it feels too weird.  Even when we were dating it felt weir to pray together.  Prayer is too personal.  I actually don't want anyone to pray for me.  The only exception would be if it were medical or health related.  The rest of the time prayers from other people are rarely close to what I want.  The wording is strange.  I don't know how to describe it but I don't like it.  Also it has been made pretty clear to me that I will not be having any close friends any time soon so it is just me.  Me in my selfish little bubble that I wish I knew how to pop.  

3.  Write down some good things that might result if you do complete your task.  Ask God to give you the persistence to finish what you've started. 

I don't know.  I don't have a task to completely complete.  God, the ball is in your court.  I just want to write, read, and have fun sometimes.  I don't get paid.  I am lazy.  I am selfish.  I am tired of trying so hard to change.  It is a battle, but I guess you promised one so I am not surprised.  I guess I still wish it didn't have to be like this.  My brain is having a hard time holding all the contradictory ideas of life. 

Ezra 8

1.  How have you found that your reason sometimes interferes with your faith?

SOMETIMES?  Try almost ALL the time.  Reason tells me there are too many exceptions.  My faith is not strong enough.  I want to have faith.  Something or someone is blocking it.  Is this spiritual warfare?  Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing?  I have more questions than answers.  

2.  What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?

I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways.  It is too unpredictable.  I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it.  If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious?  Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly?  If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery?  The world is bigger than the Jews.  The world is bigger than America.  Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups?  Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God.  There is the key word- EASIER.  I don't want this struggle.  It is a struggle that doesn't make sense.  It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane. 

3.  How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?

Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now.  My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense.  His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days.  I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it?  Am I not saved?  I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell.  I wish prayer made sense.  He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil.  And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules".  Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.  

I Kings 10-11, 2 Chronicles 9

I Kings 10:1-29

1.  List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.

On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God.  I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match.  Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time.  One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not?  It doesn't seem at all fair.  Why does the Bible have so many contradictions?  (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.)  Why didn't God literally write the Bible?  Why is the Bible so hard to understand?  Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us?  If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place?  Just a few questions any way.

2.  As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you?  Why or why not?

They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself.  If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time.  To me, it would be illogical.  

3.  Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind.  Then listen to what he has on his.

God,  You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions.  You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you.  I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for.  A lot doesn't make sense exactly.  But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent.  I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day.  Okay, I am ready to listen.

2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)

1.  How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God? 

They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes.  I question.  But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends. 

2.  What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love? 

Honestly I don't really know.  I just be kind.  I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing.  I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts.  Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally. 

3.  Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord.  Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God. 

OK

Ecclesiastes 1-6

Well it looks like I never finished and barely started the last study....life happens and things change.  I am actually surprised I am writing right now because I am on a missions trip in John Day, OR.  Rarely do I even allow myself the luxury of a computer let alone the time to write about heart felt things.  I realize that most of what I write is a jumbled mess of me pouring out my mind- it is what keeps me sane and, trust me, you want me to be sane.  I could also be accused of being reclusive and stand offish but I am old enough to be okay with that- pretty much- though I often wonder if I don't have some type of social anxiety and wonder if there is a way to treat it.  In any case I am going off topic.  

I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up.  But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions.  Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.

Oh joy!  I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm.  It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!

1.  In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?

To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon).  Basically life doesn't make sense.  I hear you there!  I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children.  It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them.  At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked?  The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.

2.  What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?

Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy.  I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard.  I don't have to stress about it much.  I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.

3.  When have you experienced a time of real contentment?

For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness).  Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.  

Chapter 1 The Amateurs (Study Guide)

PERSONAL STUDY RESPONSE FOR FRESH WIND, FRESH FIRE

This appears to be an inspirational story of a pastor, his wife, and their church and how it grew.  Jim Cymbala began pastoring a church in Brooklyn with only about 20 members, but he listened to God's call to pray and seek and He would grow the church.  One of the first challenges addressed in this book was a financial problem.  They could not pay their mortgage.  But God provides with a mysterious donation of $100.  This prepared Jim and Carol (his wife) to expect great and miraculous things from God.

I loved the part where Jim realizes that God is attracted to weakness.  Jim said, "I discovered an astonishing truth:  God is attracted to weakness.  He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit they desperately need Him."  God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.  I have certainly seen this to be true in my life.  I am nothing if not weak and foolish.  Only God is the reason I wake up to keep the faith and to try things that continually fail.  When we pretend, it grieves God's Spirit.  He has amazing power.  He can not show His power through someone who boasts or is proud.  It doesn't work out well for us.  If we think we are the reason for success then we will not be able to accept His grace and His gifts.   When we humble ourselves God will lift us up- James 4:10.  He gives us things we could not have imagined.  He wants us to live without anxiety and fear, and being humble brings us closer to that step.

I have told this story before but it never gets old.  I have had to depend totally on the Lord and His provision when I was being about to be sued for failing to pay off my loans which had risen to astronomical unrealistic payments.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't have a job and I didn't have anything of real value that could be taken.  I was living in constant stress and anxiety while trying to nurse a month old baby.  I was barely eating so she wasn't doing well either.  Through God and MANY prayers (I knew people were praying for me) I was able to step up and went to every bank I could to apply  for a personal loan to cover half the loan- that is what they were willing to settle for- the amount was for a little more then $28, 000.  I had to humbly ask my mother-in-law to let us borrow from her line of credit ($10,000) and then have her cosign for the rest.  It took about a month before we were able to find a bank willing to loan us some money.  Every time the phone rang I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, hide, pull out my hair- my heart would leap into my throat- it was the worst feeling.  Only God put all the pieces together.  Without going through this I might have been tempted to think I could do everything on my own.

God sometimes makes what He will do for us conditional on our hunger for Him because He doesn't want robots serving Him.  He wants us to choose to love Him, praise Him, serve Him.  If He forced us to love Him it wouldn't be love.  "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land."  II Chronicles 7:14.  God wants us to be aware that we have a CHOICE.  We all have a choice.

Prayer is important.  God wants to hear from us.  When we don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit speaks for us and that is how we can see the Spirit working.  As I have gotten older prayer has become harder- not easier.  I am not sure why.  My prayers are mostly groanings and confusion.  When I pray for the church it reminds me of those in need and the Spirit leads me to think of practical ways I can help.  I am trusting God to give me opportunities to strengthen my prayer life.

In closing, this is the start of an inspirational story that I think will stick with me.  Hopefully I am prepared for the long haul.   

A Personal Study with Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire

Get ready!  I am starting a 22 day study (so I can be done by Easter) with the book....Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala with Dean Merrill.

I am giving myself 2 days per chapter so hopefully that will be enough.  I don't really know what this book is about but I am excited to see where this goes. 

Exodus 13-15

"Be Still"  Exodus 14:1-31

1.  What do you most fear?

I fear basic social interactions.  I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing.  I am afraid of being judged by the small interactions I do have.  I also am afraid to share the gospel.  I am afraid of losing my security and money.

2.  How has your fear caused you to fight or take flight rather than be still and trust God?

I hide from others.  I stay home.

3.  Take some time to "be still" before the Lord and ask him to deliver you from your fears.

Exodus 7-9

"Let His People Go!"  Exodus 7:1-24

1.  How do you see God revealing himself to you as the one true God?

God reveals himself through the nagging feeling that this can't be just an "accident" or "random".  We are here for a purpose and God will reveal that purpose.

2.  Whom do you look on as God's enemies?

I often see atheists as enemies with God.  But the true enemy might be all of us.

3.  How can you share God's power in your life with others?

I don't know.  My story doesn't feel special but maybe some day if I get to tell it others will see God's power in my life.  I am afraid, but I will continue to pray for opportunities to share.  

Genesis 48-50 & Exodus 1-3

"A Good Gift from a Good God"  Genesis 50:15-21

1.  Based on your knowledge of Joseph's life, how often might he have given into fear and worry over the course of his life?

Joseph could have worried when his brothers sold him.  He could have worried when he was falsely accused while he was a slave.  He could have worried in jail.  The text doesn't say he didn't worry or fear.  I don't think we can assume that he didn't worry.  In the end, Joseph realized God had worked everything out for good and Joseph held so strongly to his beliefs and trust and faith in the Almighty that we might be tempted to think he never doubted.  We just don't know.

2.  What circumstances are causing you to feel fearful or worried?

I am worried a little bit about the future both for myself and my family but also for the world at large.  I have vague plans and my husband's plans change so much it causes me to feel crazy.

3.  Spend time with God asking him to use your fears as "the door" through which you can enter your rest, trusting that God will use your present circumstance for your good and his glory.

Dear God,  You can use any circumstance for your glory.  Help me to walk through the fear of the future into the unknown boldly with You as my Lord and Savior.  Only You can know the future and I am your instrument.  You are the potter and I am the clay.  Make me for your glory.  Amen

"Wait and Watch"  Exodus 2:1-10

1.  Whom are you watching over right now?

I am watching over my children.

2.  How does prayer empower you as you wait?

Prayer is communication and praise to the One who made and created everything.  It is empowering to know and be able to enter into the presence of God through Jesus.

3.  How does this perspective of waiting and watching help you in your own life's story?

Waiting is hard when we wait what we want right now.  But if we are patient and continue to serve and read the word time seems to speed up when we focus with what we have on hand.  My story is full of stop and goes so I don't know if I can relate to this question or not.

"Availability Check"  Exodus 3:1-22

1.  In what ways has God indicated he has something for you to do and how have you responded?

The one thing I know God has for me is salvation and I believe with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength in Jesus and the blood He shed for me.  I will respond with praise, thanksgiving, and service.

2.  Recount a time when you felt inadequate to do something you knew God wanted you to do.  How did God equip you to accomplish it?

I guess the one time I felt totally inadequate was when I first became a mom.  I cried a lot.  Physically I felt horrible and I was still working.  God only equip me by letting me go through all that hard stuff.  He was patient with me and gracious with me.

3.  What interferes with your availability to answer God's call?

I am where God has called me.  If anything is interfering then it is part of God's plan- I need to chose to stick with Him when distractions come.

Genesis 41-45

"God's Silent Work"  Genesis 41:41-57

1.  What difficulties have you faced in the past?  How did God use those times to shape you?

Praise the Lord I have not faced too many difficulties.  My biggest difficulty by far was finding a loan to pay off my creditors.  I had just had a new baby.  I didn't have a job.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  There was a lot of prayer and fasting.  God used this time to completely depend on Him.  And now we are only a couple weeks away from making our final payment on this loan!!!!  Hallelujah!  It has really shaped me and made me grow up and take responsibility for my choices.  I now feel I must warn those entering college without a real plan or someone who really has your back.  In fact I would chose against going to college at all if I could do it again.

2.  What situations are you currently facing that seem hopeless?  How do you see God silently working to get you through them?

I am not facing any hopeless situations right now.  I am, of course, facing choices every day, but I am trusting God that I will find an okay job and save enough money to retire.  I am recently feeling very selfish so I hope God will provide so that I may be generous with my money and any other resources He gives me.  I don't feel special any more and I am okay with that.  God will reveal His work in me at the end of time.

3.  Sing Fanny Crosby's hymn "To God Be the Glory" as a way of thanking him for working behind the scenes in your life.

Genesis 32-34

"He Breaks Us to Make Us"  Genesis 32:22-32

1.  Describe the times you have wandered from God and how you sensed him relentlessly seeking you.

Shortly after college I kinda wandered from God.  I just had so many doubts.  My faith had grown weak.  I don't know if there was a specific event or what exactly led up to it, but it was shortly after that I met my husband.  God never let me go very far.

2.  How has God broken you physically, emotionally, or spiritually?  What was the result?

God has broken me emotionally.  I am not strong and He reminds me often to rely on Him.  I feel a lot of jealousy and He keeps me in check.  He keeps me humble.

3.  God is a good shepherd; thank him for his care for you even when you don't always understand his methods.

Thank you, God for your care even went I don't always understand your methods.

"Innocence Lost"  Genesis 34:1-31

1.  Describe a time when someone abused you either physically, mentally, or emotionally.

There were two very twisted times in college.  The first time I felt vulnerable because I didn't have money to buy much food.  I don't even really know how to describe it because there was a mixture of consent and then it turned awkward and then very wrong.  The guy, I was "helping" clean his house in exchange for food, but there were sexual advances and no defined relationship and then eventually I just tried to get away from him and he made me feel uncomfortable.  I had to go into counseling.  It was so messed up.  I don't think about it or talk about it much for obvious reasons.  The second time was a little more clear.  I was dating a guy but he turned out to be very pushy and tried to get me to do things I did not want to do.  At least he took the hint and left me alone after a little while.

Right now it my life I feel I am being punished for a lot my sexual sin because now I deal with emotional and mental abuse.  It isn't extreme but it makes me feel bad about myself and who I am.  I don't feel vengeance (well maybe a little in the heat of the moment) or like I "deserve" better...I know God has a plan for where I am at right now.

2.  How did it impact not just you but also those around you?

It just makes me feel sick thinking about how I could have handled things better and that in my situation it wasn't totally someone else to blame.  I messed up too.  The two friends I told very specifically about this have gone (one is totally not even in my life any more and the other one has become an atheist) and I don't know if the first incident had anything to do with our split.  Life feels not so black and white after these twisted times.  

3.  What are God's promises to you that he will forgive you and restore you?  Write an exchange prayer, trading in your feelings of pain, sorrow, or loss for the victory of being a believer.

In this situation, I do need to ask for some forgiveness but not all abuse victims need to be "forgiven" so I think this is a weird and poorly worded question.  Even if I am not restored in this life in the next I know I will be made like Christ.

Dear God,  I exchange all the twisted, messed up sexual sins that have led me to where I am for life in you, hope in you.  You will not let me be damaged forever.  Amen

Genesis 27-29

"Meddling"  Genesis 27:1-40

1.  When have you meddled your way through a problem instead of waiting on God to solve it?  What were the results?

I don't meddle.  I have little to no interest in other people's decisions unless they directly hurt or harm me or hurt or harm someone I love.  I have gossiped sometimes and that is one sin that has resulted in general dislike and no friends- at least that seems to be the logical conclusion.  I am annoyed that people who are "worse" then me have friends, but I take my advice from Pete the Cat "Just keep walking along singing your song, cause it is all good."  I don't try to hurt people, I try to understand people and that is where I fail because you basically can't.  

2.  When have you seen God solve a problem in a way that surprised you?

So far no super surprises from God just normal and amazing generosity- I have had people give us money, we have had programs give us money for Christmas presents when we thought we would have nothing for the kids, and a loan was accepted at a critical time for me.  I guess the biggest surprise was the van.  We had been praying for that provision and someone gave us the van when we needed it most.  I was super grateful but not super surprised because I had been praying for awhile and knew God would provide.

3.  What are you waiting on God for now?  What will you meditate on rather than meddle in?

I am waiting for God to tell me exactly what to do about life/job/career.  I don't want to do anything...well that isn't exactly true....what I want to do is stay home, be a good wife and mother, bake cookies, read stories to the kids, teach them, and "homemake" away, but alas there is a big change coming in September and I have no idea what to do, where to go, who will advice or counsel me, and how this will happen.  There will be so much meditating that I will become lazy and do nothing....that is the fear.  I bet people would wish I would "meddle", take control of my life, speak up, I don't know- I have so little confidence and so little life experience that my opinions are moot.  All I can hear is, "Good luck with that."

"When Morning Comes"  Genesis 29:16-30

1.  Take a look in the mirror and describe the things you like about yourself.

I like being short.  I like being a woman.  I like my hair.  I like my mind.  I like my health.  I like my sense of humor.  I like how much I care about books and how quirky I am.

2.  What don't you like about yourself?  Describe some of the things you'd change if you could.

I don't like how I am "overweight" and my boobs are so big.  I wish a certain person and the "fashion" industry wouldn't make me feel so bad for hair that grows in places it "apparently" shouldn't- like my arm pits, bikini area, legs, and face.  

3.  What parts of yourself have you been afraid to show your loved ones (spiritually, emotionally or physically), and why?  Take a chance and expose one part you've hidden behind the mask.  Ask God to give you the strength to take this step.  And ask God to surprise you with how much your loved ones accept the real you.

This is entering dangerous territory.  What if the real me doesn't care that I am overweight and can't understand it?  I may overeat from time to time (rare) but I can't exactly find the time to exercise and even when I have exercised have seen zero results.  What if the real me decides to stop shaving?  What if the real me can't stand any form of birth control?  Nope, these are things that have not and will not be accepted, and these are just the simple masks.  I can't imagine what people would think when they find out how messed up my past was and how I have tried to open up and have been met with, "Okay, well you better sweep that under the rug and hope no one notices the big bump."

Dear God, I don' t know exactly what you want me to do.  If I open myself up it is just asking for a lot of pain and tears.  I feel as if all I can do is wait.  Maybe you can change someone and maybe you don't want to change someone just to teach me something.  God, go ahead, surprise me.  Show me someone who I can open up to.  I have asked this a number of times and things have pretty much stayed the same so I don't expect much of a miracle, but maybe this time will be different?  I can really identify with Leah.  I hope I am doing what you want me to do and I am learning what you want me to learn.  Amen.