Nehemiah 1:1-11
1. When was the last time you wept in prayer for someone who needed God's help?
As noted in my last journal entry, my prayer life has been fairly nonexistent. It has been a lot of screaming and cussing at God. I have been angry a lot lately for feeling strung along on this Jesus-Christian-thing because so much of it doesn't make sense any more. I don't know what the truth is and it doesn't feel like God is ever in the mood to be clear about it. In all honesty I feel very selfish and wish I could weep in prayer, but I feel numb.
2. What word best describes Nehemiah's heart? Ask God to give you a heart of compassion like Nehemiah's.
Wow! Nehemiah's prayer did have me tearing up a little just trying to do what is right. Trying to please a God we can't see. Trying to get God to remember. It doesn't make sense! Why would God even forget? I guess the best word to describe Nehemiah's heart is ernest. He is intentional and with sorrow pleading and praising God through it all.
3. Follow Nehemiah's pattern and pray for a person or situation causing you to grieve.
The world and my mind are causing me to grieve. The world is so broken. I can't fix it. God doesn't seem to want to fix it and if He does He sure is taking His sweet, sweet time. I want to pray, but it feels so fruitless and empty. I will give it a try. It might sound like nothing but the ramblings of a madwoman, though, fair warning.
Dear God,
Your Word has a lot of promises in it. I don't feel like you are necessarily keeping up your end of the bargain. You said if we seek you with all our hearts we would find you. I have searched and I am still searching and if anything is true you seem farther away. The frustration I feel I am sure is not mine alone. People are dying. I can't go and tell them about you. I have no money, resources, and my faith is barely hanging on. How do I trust you? Please, show us your grace and mercy. Show us, show me who you are and what your promises will be. I am lost. I am going crazy with confusion. Help me know what to say when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
Amen
Nehemiah 2:1-18
1. How do you normally handle fearful situations?
I don't know. I don't have many fearful situations. I think it depends on the situation. It also depends on what you view as fearful. I live a normal life. There isn't much to "fear". My main fear is my husband leaving me because he thinks I don't want to put effort into our relationship. But I also know he can't leave because that would ruin himself (he is a youth pastor). It would have to get absolutely horrible to have to leave me. I feel like I am a horrible person because I am fat, ugly, and unskilled. He never calls me beautiful or even a simple "I love you" any more. Maybe I need it more than I think because I know there are worse things and people dealing with so much more than I am. I guess I just ask myself is there more that I could do that would make him love me unconditionally without losing my sanity or myself?
2. How can you apply Nehemiah's prayer strategy to your life?
I just need to pray more and pray more naturally and with more reverence. Right now my prayers are just words. I don't feel the meaning any more. As I stated before, I am numb. I use to not worry about praying out lout in a group and now I do. It almost seems like the worst thing for a Pastor's wife to admit, but I can't pray out loud in a group any more. It is all fluff. It is all clanging symbols. I can't hear the words. I just hear noise. I am struggling. I am afraid no one will understand. Here is "fear"- I am being judged. I don't want to care, but I do. Why do I care so much about what other people think? The real fear of loosing my faith is ever present.
3. Have you experienced a time when God answered your specific prayer? Think of someone with whom you can share your story.
A long time ago as a teenager I did pray for God to give me a car. I thought I could do great work for Him if only I had a car. I got a car. It is the most specific answer to prayer I ever remember receiving. Also the loan situation that I mention most often in this journal was a huge answer to prayer because I had no idea what was going to happen to my sanity and my life if this wasn't something that could be resolved quickly and easily. I have shared these stories with various groups from time to time. I guess they bare repeating, but they don't seem very big or almost real any more. They were so long ago. It feels like those were different people. A person who really, truly trusted God and knew herself. Now- I don't even know. I just want to be a good person who has fun from time to time, but WHAT IS THIS LIFE? It way too challenging. There are too many ways to think. There are too many gray areas and it is really messing with my brain recently.
Nehemiah 4:1-23
1. What task seems too big or too daunting for you to finish?
Raising my children, cleaning the house, and rebuilding my faith- all these things. I don't even think these things truly have an end. They are things that will just keep going and going till death. I guess I don't have a true task that needs finishing. There is a task I wish for but it seems highly unlikely and extremely daunting and I am giving that one to God because it would mean a complete life altering change. I would love to be Catholic, but that can't happen and so I must some how build my faith in a different way that I don't know if I always agree. Plus I have recently become so embarrassed by my church and its ministries that I want to run away from it all even though that is the cowards way. I need strength to stay or prayer for renewal. Be content- even though this particular worry is not money related.
2. Who could you ask to come alongside you in prayer?
No one. Maybe my husband but it feels too weird. Even when we were dating it felt weir to pray together. Prayer is too personal. I actually don't want anyone to pray for me. The only exception would be if it were medical or health related. The rest of the time prayers from other people are rarely close to what I want. The wording is strange. I don't know how to describe it but I don't like it. Also it has been made pretty clear to me that I will not be having any close friends any time soon so it is just me. Me in my selfish little bubble that I wish I knew how to pop.
3. Write down some good things that might result if you do complete your task. Ask God to give you the persistence to finish what you've started.
I don't know. I don't have a task to completely complete. God, the ball is in your court. I just want to write, read, and have fun sometimes. I don't get paid. I am lazy. I am selfish. I am tired of trying so hard to change. It is a battle, but I guess you promised one so I am not surprised. I guess I still wish it didn't have to be like this. My brain is having a hard time holding all the contradictory ideas of life.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Monday, September 25, 2017
Ezra 8
1. How have you found that your reason sometimes interferes with your faith?
SOMETIMES? Try almost ALL the time. Reason tells me there are too many exceptions. My faith is not strong enough. I want to have faith. Something or someone is blocking it. Is this spiritual warfare? Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing? I have more questions than answers.
2. What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?
I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways. It is too unpredictable. I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it. If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious? Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly? If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery? The world is bigger than the Jews. The world is bigger than America. Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups? Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God. There is the key word- EASIER. I don't want this struggle. It is a struggle that doesn't make sense. It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane.
3. How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?
Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now. My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense. His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days. I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it? Am I not saved? I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell. I wish prayer made sense. He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil. And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules". Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.
SOMETIMES? Try almost ALL the time. Reason tells me there are too many exceptions. My faith is not strong enough. I want to have faith. Something or someone is blocking it. Is this spiritual warfare? Why am I, recently, struggling so hard on this faith thing? I have more questions than answers.
2. What makes it difficult for you to depend on God?
I can't depend on the "mysterious" ways. It is too unpredictable. I can't figure out what is God's work when He won't be plain about it. If He truly does want all to come to salvation why does it have be so mysterious? Why can't He reveal Himself more fully, more plainly? If it HAS to be a mystery- why does it have to be a mystery? The world is bigger than the Jews. The world is bigger than America. Why do I feel God has isolated Himself to only a few select people groups? Depending on myself is a lot easier than depending on God. There is the key word- EASIER. I don't want this struggle. It is a struggle that doesn't make sense. It is a struggle that I feel will ultimately drive me insane.
3. How can prioritizing prayer in your life make a difference in preparing you for your faith journey?
Prayer has not been a priority for a long time now. My prayer life is just screaming at God because so little makes sense. His plan, His redemption, His "come near to me and I will come near to you"- feels like a bunch of BS most days. I have tried so hard to "be near" and I can't hear Him and He isn't coming near- have I missed it? Am I not saved? I am getting more and more terrified that I am going to hell. I wish prayer made sense. He doesn't talk back and if He does or you think He does you become scared that it isn't really Him- it must be yourself or even the Devil. And if He isn't suppose to talk to you audibly and only through His word there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of relevance or again too many exceptions to the "rules". Today, honestly, tired of trying to figure out this Christianity thing.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
I Kings 10-11, 2 Chronicles 9
I Kings 10:1-29
1. List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.
On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God. I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match. Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time. One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not? It doesn't seem at all fair. Why does the Bible have so many contradictions? (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.) Why didn't God literally write the Bible? Why is the Bible so hard to understand? Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us? If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place? Just a few questions any way.
2. As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you? Why or why not?
They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself. If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time. To me, it would be illogical.
3. Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind. Then listen to what he has on his.
God, You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions. You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you. I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for. A lot doesn't make sense exactly. But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent. I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day. Okay, I am ready to listen.
2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)
1. How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God?
They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes. I question. But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends.
2. What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love?
Honestly I don't really know. I just be kind. I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing. I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts. Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally.
3. Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord. Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God.
OK
1. List some of the "hard questions" you'd bring to the wisest man on earth.
On my own I am not a natural deep thinker, though when I was young I did ask my mom what it meant to be alive and she thought I was a bit crazy, but I do struggle with God. I think of it a lot like Jacob's wrestling match. Most of the question I ask are the same as this atheist blog and I feel very weak in my faith when I look these over from time to time. One of my BIGGEST is the question- do people who never hear the gospel, can they be saved and if not, why not? It doesn't seem at all fair. Why does the Bible have so many contradictions? (I don't understand how Christians can say there aren't any.) Why didn't God literally write the Bible? Why is the Bible so hard to understand? Why is there so much violence in the Bible- what does that even mean or teach us? If Satan is so bad why did God create him and why doesn't he get a like twist reward in the end for being the one who caused Jesus to have to save the world in the first place? Just a few questions any way.
2. As you've grown in your faith, have some of your hard questions or seeming contradictions grown less important to you? Why or why not?
They have become less important to me because I just trust that it will all be explained in the end and even if it isn't explained and this was all for nothing- then at least I tried and at least I lived for someone and something and not just for myself. If I were brave enough to become an atheist or agnostic (which I don't believe I ever could be) I don't understand how you can logically care for people without God unless caring for them caused me to get my way most of the time. To me, it would be illogical.
3. Spend some time telling God all that you have on your mind. Then listen to what he has on his.
God, You cause me to think of a bundle of contradictions. You know I want to give my heart, life, and mind to you. I love you and I wish I could be this special person others claim I am, but your word doesn't give me as much comfort as I could hope for. A lot doesn't make sense exactly. But I like to think of myself as a baby or maybe a young toddler and you are my parent. I may not understand the bigger picture of why mommy or daddy told me not to touch the stove or what it means to be married but I will trust YOU God that what you are telling me will make sense- some day. Okay, I am ready to listen.
2 Chronicles 8:1-11 (this passage wasn't my reading today but it was in the middle of my 2 Chronicles 9 reading- I thought might as well if I have the time)
1. How do your unbelieving friends and family affect your attitude toward God?
They make me wish I could be so brave sometimes. I question. But to be honest I don't have many unbelieving friends.
2. What are some concrete ways you can keep holy what is holy, while still honoring and respecting the unbelievers you love?
Honestly I don't really know. I just be kind. I don't ever want to pressure someone into believing. I honestly don't care if you believe or not, I just want to be your friend and hear your thoughts. Let's just try really hard not to hurt each other either physically or emotionally.
3. Think about the burden you feel toward a spouse or loved one who wants nothing to do with the Lord. Spend time in prayer, giving your anxieties and grief about them to God.
OK
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Ecclesiastes 1-6
Well it looks like I never finished and barely started the last study....life happens and things change. I am actually surprised I am writing right now because I am on a missions trip in John Day, OR. Rarely do I even allow myself the luxury of a computer let alone the time to write about heart felt things. I realize that most of what I write is a jumbled mess of me pouring out my mind- it is what keeps me sane and, trust me, you want me to be sane. I could also be accused of being reclusive and stand offish but I am old enough to be okay with that- pretty much- though I often wonder if I don't have some type of social anxiety and wonder if there is a way to treat it. In any case I am going off topic.
I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up. But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions. Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.
Oh joy! I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm. It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!
1. In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?
To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon). Basically life doesn't make sense. I hear you there! I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children. It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them. At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked? The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.
2. What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?
Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy. I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard. I don't have to stress about it much. I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.
3. When have you experienced a time of real contentment?
For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness). Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.
I have been able to keep up my Bible reading though not in my preferred method aka getting up early and reading every day as opposed to waiting three days or more and having to wait till Sunday (when all the kids are in Sunday school) for me to catch up. But obviously that means I don't really have time for thoughts or to answer the questions. Today I will try to get on track, but just for today, no promises for tomorrow or any other days this year.
Oh joy! I read Ecclesiastes today- please, realize the sarcasm. It is all meaningless....meaningless I say!
1. In what ways have you chased after something but found it meaningless?
To get a sense of this question I went to look up the word meaningless and what that meant to the author of Ecclesiastes (probably Solomon). Basically life doesn't make sense. I hear you there! I guess the one big thing that I can think of in my own life that I chase that feels meaningless is a big one- raising children. It sometimes seems like no matter how hard you try and how much you worry they will do whatever they feel like regardless of what you say and try to discipline them. At the end of the day- do you really have something to show for how hard you feel you worked? The answer appears to be a definite- maybe.
2. What are some things "in you own backyard" that bring you joy?
Reading and writing about what I read- it is what gives me the most joy. I feel like it is something that comes from my own backyard. I don't have to stress about it much. I don't feel like I am chasing the wind.
3. When have you experienced a time of real contentment?
For me, contentment is being able to keep the kitchen clean in a reasonable amount of time and trying to keep to lose flexible schedule without big bumps (arguments, excessive laziness). Also if there is food involved I am pretty content person.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Chapter 1 The Amateurs (Study Guide)
PERSONAL STUDY RESPONSE FOR FRESH WIND, FRESH FIRE
This appears to be an inspirational story of a pastor, his wife, and their church and how it grew. Jim Cymbala began pastoring a church in Brooklyn with only about 20 members, but he listened to God's call to pray and seek and He would grow the church. One of the first challenges addressed in this book was a financial problem. They could not pay their mortgage. But God provides with a mysterious donation of $100. This prepared Jim and Carol (his wife) to expect great and miraculous things from God.
I loved the part where Jim realizes that God is attracted to weakness. Jim said, "I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit they desperately need Him." God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I have certainly seen this to be true in my life. I am nothing if not weak and foolish. Only God is the reason I wake up to keep the faith and to try things that continually fail. When we pretend, it grieves God's Spirit. He has amazing power. He can not show His power through someone who boasts or is proud. It doesn't work out well for us. If we think we are the reason for success then we will not be able to accept His grace and His gifts. When we humble ourselves God will lift us up- James 4:10. He gives us things we could not have imagined. He wants us to live without anxiety and fear, and being humble brings us closer to that step.
I have told this story before but it never gets old. I have had to depend totally on the Lord and His provision when I was being about to be sued for failing to pay off my loans which had risen to astronomical unrealistic payments. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't have a job and I didn't have anything of real value that could be taken. I was living in constant stress and anxiety while trying to nurse a month old baby. I was barely eating so she wasn't doing well either. Through God and MANY prayers (I knew people were praying for me) I was able to step up and went to every bank I could to apply for a personal loan to cover half the loan- that is what they were willing to settle for- the amount was for a little more then $28, 000. I had to humbly ask my mother-in-law to let us borrow from her line of credit ($10,000) and then have her cosign for the rest. It took about a month before we were able to find a bank willing to loan us some money. Every time the phone rang I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, hide, pull out my hair- my heart would leap into my throat- it was the worst feeling. Only God put all the pieces together. Without going through this I might have been tempted to think I could do everything on my own.
God sometimes makes what He will do for us conditional on our hunger for Him because He doesn't want robots serving Him. He wants us to choose to love Him, praise Him, serve Him. If He forced us to love Him it wouldn't be love. "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." II Chronicles 7:14. God wants us to be aware that we have a CHOICE. We all have a choice.
Prayer is important. God wants to hear from us. When we don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit speaks for us and that is how we can see the Spirit working. As I have gotten older prayer has become harder- not easier. I am not sure why. My prayers are mostly groanings and confusion. When I pray for the church it reminds me of those in need and the Spirit leads me to think of practical ways I can help. I am trusting God to give me opportunities to strengthen my prayer life.
In closing, this is the start of an inspirational story that I think will stick with me. Hopefully I am prepared for the long haul.
This appears to be an inspirational story of a pastor, his wife, and their church and how it grew. Jim Cymbala began pastoring a church in Brooklyn with only about 20 members, but he listened to God's call to pray and seek and He would grow the church. One of the first challenges addressed in this book was a financial problem. They could not pay their mortgage. But God provides with a mysterious donation of $100. This prepared Jim and Carol (his wife) to expect great and miraculous things from God.
I loved the part where Jim realizes that God is attracted to weakness. Jim said, "I discovered an astonishing truth: God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit they desperately need Him." God chooses the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I have certainly seen this to be true in my life. I am nothing if not weak and foolish. Only God is the reason I wake up to keep the faith and to try things that continually fail. When we pretend, it grieves God's Spirit. He has amazing power. He can not show His power through someone who boasts or is proud. It doesn't work out well for us. If we think we are the reason for success then we will not be able to accept His grace and His gifts. When we humble ourselves God will lift us up- James 4:10. He gives us things we could not have imagined. He wants us to live without anxiety and fear, and being humble brings us closer to that step.
I have told this story before but it never gets old. I have had to depend totally on the Lord and His provision when I was being about to be sued for failing to pay off my loans which had risen to astronomical unrealistic payments. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't have a job and I didn't have anything of real value that could be taken. I was living in constant stress and anxiety while trying to nurse a month old baby. I was barely eating so she wasn't doing well either. Through God and MANY prayers (I knew people were praying for me) I was able to step up and went to every bank I could to apply for a personal loan to cover half the loan- that is what they were willing to settle for- the amount was for a little more then $28, 000. I had to humbly ask my mother-in-law to let us borrow from her line of credit ($10,000) and then have her cosign for the rest. It took about a month before we were able to find a bank willing to loan us some money. Every time the phone rang I wanted to throw up, cry, run away, hide, pull out my hair- my heart would leap into my throat- it was the worst feeling. Only God put all the pieces together. Without going through this I might have been tempted to think I could do everything on my own.
God sometimes makes what He will do for us conditional on our hunger for Him because He doesn't want robots serving Him. He wants us to choose to love Him, praise Him, serve Him. If He forced us to love Him it wouldn't be love. "If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." II Chronicles 7:14. God wants us to be aware that we have a CHOICE. We all have a choice.
Prayer is important. God wants to hear from us. When we don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit speaks for us and that is how we can see the Spirit working. As I have gotten older prayer has become harder- not easier. I am not sure why. My prayers are mostly groanings and confusion. When I pray for the church it reminds me of those in need and the Spirit leads me to think of practical ways I can help. I am trusting God to give me opportunities to strengthen my prayer life.
In closing, this is the start of an inspirational story that I think will stick with me. Hopefully I am prepared for the long haul.
Friday, March 24, 2017
A Personal Study with Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire
Get ready! I am starting a 22 day study (so I can be done by Easter) with the book....Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala with Dean Merrill.
I am giving myself 2 days per chapter so hopefully that will be enough. I don't really know what this book is about but I am excited to see where this goes.
I am giving myself 2 days per chapter so hopefully that will be enough. I don't really know what this book is about but I am excited to see where this goes.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Exodus 13-15
"Be Still" Exodus 14:1-31
1. What do you most fear?
I fear basic social interactions. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing. I am afraid of being judged by the small interactions I do have. I also am afraid to share the gospel. I am afraid of losing my security and money.
2. How has your fear caused you to fight or take flight rather than be still and trust God?
I hide from others. I stay home.
3. Take some time to "be still" before the Lord and ask him to deliver you from your fears.
1. What do you most fear?
I fear basic social interactions. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing the wrong thing. I am afraid of being judged by the small interactions I do have. I also am afraid to share the gospel. I am afraid of losing my security and money.
2. How has your fear caused you to fight or take flight rather than be still and trust God?
I hide from others. I stay home.
3. Take some time to "be still" before the Lord and ask him to deliver you from your fears.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
Exodus 7-9
"Let His People Go!" Exodus 7:1-24
1. How do you see God revealing himself to you as the one true God?
God reveals himself through the nagging feeling that this can't be just an "accident" or "random". We are here for a purpose and God will reveal that purpose.
2. Whom do you look on as God's enemies?
I often see atheists as enemies with God. But the true enemy might be all of us.
3. How can you share God's power in your life with others?
I don't know. My story doesn't feel special but maybe some day if I get to tell it others will see God's power in my life. I am afraid, but I will continue to pray for opportunities to share.
1. How do you see God revealing himself to you as the one true God?
God reveals himself through the nagging feeling that this can't be just an "accident" or "random". We are here for a purpose and God will reveal that purpose.
2. Whom do you look on as God's enemies?
I often see atheists as enemies with God. But the true enemy might be all of us.
3. How can you share God's power in your life with others?
I don't know. My story doesn't feel special but maybe some day if I get to tell it others will see God's power in my life. I am afraid, but I will continue to pray for opportunities to share.
Monday, January 30, 2017
Genesis 48-50 & Exodus 1-3
"A Good Gift from a Good God" Genesis 50:15-21
1. Based on your knowledge of Joseph's life, how often might he have given into fear and worry over the course of his life?
Joseph could have worried when his brothers sold him. He could have worried when he was falsely accused while he was a slave. He could have worried in jail. The text doesn't say he didn't worry or fear. I don't think we can assume that he didn't worry. In the end, Joseph realized God had worked everything out for good and Joseph held so strongly to his beliefs and trust and faith in the Almighty that we might be tempted to think he never doubted. We just don't know.
2. What circumstances are causing you to feel fearful or worried?
I am worried a little bit about the future both for myself and my family but also for the world at large. I have vague plans and my husband's plans change so much it causes me to feel crazy.
3. Spend time with God asking him to use your fears as "the door" through which you can enter your rest, trusting that God will use your present circumstance for your good and his glory.
Dear God, You can use any circumstance for your glory. Help me to walk through the fear of the future into the unknown boldly with You as my Lord and Savior. Only You can know the future and I am your instrument. You are the potter and I am the clay. Make me for your glory. Amen
"Wait and Watch" Exodus 2:1-10
1. Whom are you watching over right now?
I am watching over my children.
2. How does prayer empower you as you wait?
Prayer is communication and praise to the One who made and created everything. It is empowering to know and be able to enter into the presence of God through Jesus.
3. How does this perspective of waiting and watching help you in your own life's story?
Waiting is hard when we wait what we want right now. But if we are patient and continue to serve and read the word time seems to speed up when we focus with what we have on hand. My story is full of stop and goes so I don't know if I can relate to this question or not.
"Availability Check" Exodus 3:1-22
1. In what ways has God indicated he has something for you to do and how have you responded?
The one thing I know God has for me is salvation and I believe with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength in Jesus and the blood He shed for me. I will respond with praise, thanksgiving, and service.
2. Recount a time when you felt inadequate to do something you knew God wanted you to do. How did God equip you to accomplish it?
I guess the one time I felt totally inadequate was when I first became a mom. I cried a lot. Physically I felt horrible and I was still working. God only equip me by letting me go through all that hard stuff. He was patient with me and gracious with me.
3. What interferes with your availability to answer God's call?
I am where God has called me. If anything is interfering then it is part of God's plan- I need to chose to stick with Him when distractions come.
1. Based on your knowledge of Joseph's life, how often might he have given into fear and worry over the course of his life?
Joseph could have worried when his brothers sold him. He could have worried when he was falsely accused while he was a slave. He could have worried in jail. The text doesn't say he didn't worry or fear. I don't think we can assume that he didn't worry. In the end, Joseph realized God had worked everything out for good and Joseph held so strongly to his beliefs and trust and faith in the Almighty that we might be tempted to think he never doubted. We just don't know.
2. What circumstances are causing you to feel fearful or worried?
I am worried a little bit about the future both for myself and my family but also for the world at large. I have vague plans and my husband's plans change so much it causes me to feel crazy.
3. Spend time with God asking him to use your fears as "the door" through which you can enter your rest, trusting that God will use your present circumstance for your good and his glory.
Dear God, You can use any circumstance for your glory. Help me to walk through the fear of the future into the unknown boldly with You as my Lord and Savior. Only You can know the future and I am your instrument. You are the potter and I am the clay. Make me for your glory. Amen
"Wait and Watch" Exodus 2:1-10
1. Whom are you watching over right now?
I am watching over my children.
2. How does prayer empower you as you wait?
Prayer is communication and praise to the One who made and created everything. It is empowering to know and be able to enter into the presence of God through Jesus.
3. How does this perspective of waiting and watching help you in your own life's story?
Waiting is hard when we wait what we want right now. But if we are patient and continue to serve and read the word time seems to speed up when we focus with what we have on hand. My story is full of stop and goes so I don't know if I can relate to this question or not.
"Availability Check" Exodus 3:1-22
1. In what ways has God indicated he has something for you to do and how have you responded?
The one thing I know God has for me is salvation and I believe with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength in Jesus and the blood He shed for me. I will respond with praise, thanksgiving, and service.
2. Recount a time when you felt inadequate to do something you knew God wanted you to do. How did God equip you to accomplish it?
I guess the one time I felt totally inadequate was when I first became a mom. I cried a lot. Physically I felt horrible and I was still working. God only equip me by letting me go through all that hard stuff. He was patient with me and gracious with me.
3. What interferes with your availability to answer God's call?
I am where God has called me. If anything is interfering then it is part of God's plan- I need to chose to stick with Him when distractions come.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Genesis 41-45
"God's Silent Work" Genesis 41:41-57
1. What difficulties have you faced in the past? How did God use those times to shape you?
Praise the Lord I have not faced too many difficulties. My biggest difficulty by far was finding a loan to pay off my creditors. I had just had a new baby. I didn't have a job. I had no idea what I was going to do. There was a lot of prayer and fasting. God used this time to completely depend on Him. And now we are only a couple weeks away from making our final payment on this loan!!!! Hallelujah! It has really shaped me and made me grow up and take responsibility for my choices. I now feel I must warn those entering college without a real plan or someone who really has your back. In fact I would chose against going to college at all if I could do it again.
2. What situations are you currently facing that seem hopeless? How do you see God silently working to get you through them?
I am not facing any hopeless situations right now. I am, of course, facing choices every day, but I am trusting God that I will find an okay job and save enough money to retire. I am recently feeling very selfish so I hope God will provide so that I may be generous with my money and any other resources He gives me. I don't feel special any more and I am okay with that. God will reveal His work in me at the end of time.
3. Sing Fanny Crosby's hymn "To God Be the Glory" as a way of thanking him for working behind the scenes in your life.
1. What difficulties have you faced in the past? How did God use those times to shape you?
Praise the Lord I have not faced too many difficulties. My biggest difficulty by far was finding a loan to pay off my creditors. I had just had a new baby. I didn't have a job. I had no idea what I was going to do. There was a lot of prayer and fasting. God used this time to completely depend on Him. And now we are only a couple weeks away from making our final payment on this loan!!!! Hallelujah! It has really shaped me and made me grow up and take responsibility for my choices. I now feel I must warn those entering college without a real plan or someone who really has your back. In fact I would chose against going to college at all if I could do it again.
2. What situations are you currently facing that seem hopeless? How do you see God silently working to get you through them?
I am not facing any hopeless situations right now. I am, of course, facing choices every day, but I am trusting God that I will find an okay job and save enough money to retire. I am recently feeling very selfish so I hope God will provide so that I may be generous with my money and any other resources He gives me. I don't feel special any more and I am okay with that. God will reveal His work in me at the end of time.
3. Sing Fanny Crosby's hymn "To God Be the Glory" as a way of thanking him for working behind the scenes in your life.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Genesis 32-34
"He Breaks Us to Make Us" Genesis 32:22-32
1. Describe the times you have wandered from God and how you sensed him relentlessly seeking you.
Shortly after college I kinda wandered from God. I just had so many doubts. My faith had grown weak. I don't know if there was a specific event or what exactly led up to it, but it was shortly after that I met my husband. God never let me go very far.
2. How has God broken you physically, emotionally, or spiritually? What was the result?
God has broken me emotionally. I am not strong and He reminds me often to rely on Him. I feel a lot of jealousy and He keeps me in check. He keeps me humble.
3. God is a good shepherd; thank him for his care for you even when you don't always understand his methods.
Thank you, God for your care even went I don't always understand your methods.
"Innocence Lost" Genesis 34:1-31
1. Describe a time when someone abused you either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
There were two very twisted times in college. The first time I felt vulnerable because I didn't have money to buy much food. I don't even really know how to describe it because there was a mixture of consent and then it turned awkward and then very wrong. The guy, I was "helping" clean his house in exchange for food, but there were sexual advances and no defined relationship and then eventually I just tried to get away from him and he made me feel uncomfortable. I had to go into counseling. It was so messed up. I don't think about it or talk about it much for obvious reasons. The second time was a little more clear. I was dating a guy but he turned out to be very pushy and tried to get me to do things I did not want to do. At least he took the hint and left me alone after a little while.
Right now it my life I feel I am being punished for a lot my sexual sin because now I deal with emotional and mental abuse. It isn't extreme but it makes me feel bad about myself and who I am. I don't feel vengeance (well maybe a little in the heat of the moment) or like I "deserve" better...I know God has a plan for where I am at right now.
2. How did it impact not just you but also those around you?
It just makes me feel sick thinking about how I could have handled things better and that in my situation it wasn't totally someone else to blame. I messed up too. The two friends I told very specifically about this have gone (one is totally not even in my life any more and the other one has become an atheist) and I don't know if the first incident had anything to do with our split. Life feels not so black and white after these twisted times.
3. What are God's promises to you that he will forgive you and restore you? Write an exchange prayer, trading in your feelings of pain, sorrow, or loss for the victory of being a believer.
In this situation, I do need to ask for some forgiveness but not all abuse victims need to be "forgiven" so I think this is a weird and poorly worded question. Even if I am not restored in this life in the next I know I will be made like Christ.
Dear God, I exchange all the twisted, messed up sexual sins that have led me to where I am for life in you, hope in you. You will not let me be damaged forever. Amen
1. Describe the times you have wandered from God and how you sensed him relentlessly seeking you.
Shortly after college I kinda wandered from God. I just had so many doubts. My faith had grown weak. I don't know if there was a specific event or what exactly led up to it, but it was shortly after that I met my husband. God never let me go very far.
2. How has God broken you physically, emotionally, or spiritually? What was the result?
God has broken me emotionally. I am not strong and He reminds me often to rely on Him. I feel a lot of jealousy and He keeps me in check. He keeps me humble.
3. God is a good shepherd; thank him for his care for you even when you don't always understand his methods.
Thank you, God for your care even went I don't always understand your methods.
"Innocence Lost" Genesis 34:1-31
1. Describe a time when someone abused you either physically, mentally, or emotionally.
There were two very twisted times in college. The first time I felt vulnerable because I didn't have money to buy much food. I don't even really know how to describe it because there was a mixture of consent and then it turned awkward and then very wrong. The guy, I was "helping" clean his house in exchange for food, but there were sexual advances and no defined relationship and then eventually I just tried to get away from him and he made me feel uncomfortable. I had to go into counseling. It was so messed up. I don't think about it or talk about it much for obvious reasons. The second time was a little more clear. I was dating a guy but he turned out to be very pushy and tried to get me to do things I did not want to do. At least he took the hint and left me alone after a little while.
Right now it my life I feel I am being punished for a lot my sexual sin because now I deal with emotional and mental abuse. It isn't extreme but it makes me feel bad about myself and who I am. I don't feel vengeance (well maybe a little in the heat of the moment) or like I "deserve" better...I know God has a plan for where I am at right now.
2. How did it impact not just you but also those around you?
It just makes me feel sick thinking about how I could have handled things better and that in my situation it wasn't totally someone else to blame. I messed up too. The two friends I told very specifically about this have gone (one is totally not even in my life any more and the other one has become an atheist) and I don't know if the first incident had anything to do with our split. Life feels not so black and white after these twisted times.
3. What are God's promises to you that he will forgive you and restore you? Write an exchange prayer, trading in your feelings of pain, sorrow, or loss for the victory of being a believer.
In this situation, I do need to ask for some forgiveness but not all abuse victims need to be "forgiven" so I think this is a weird and poorly worded question. Even if I am not restored in this life in the next I know I will be made like Christ.
Dear God, I exchange all the twisted, messed up sexual sins that have led me to where I am for life in you, hope in you. You will not let me be damaged forever. Amen
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Genesis 27-29
"Meddling" Genesis 27:1-40
1. When have you meddled your way through a problem instead of waiting on God to solve it? What were the results?
I don't meddle. I have little to no interest in other people's decisions unless they directly hurt or harm me or hurt or harm someone I love. I have gossiped sometimes and that is one sin that has resulted in general dislike and no friends- at least that seems to be the logical conclusion. I am annoyed that people who are "worse" then me have friends, but I take my advice from Pete the Cat "Just keep walking along singing your song, cause it is all good." I don't try to hurt people, I try to understand people and that is where I fail because you basically can't.
2. When have you seen God solve a problem in a way that surprised you?
So far no super surprises from God just normal and amazing generosity- I have had people give us money, we have had programs give us money for Christmas presents when we thought we would have nothing for the kids, and a loan was accepted at a critical time for me. I guess the biggest surprise was the van. We had been praying for that provision and someone gave us the van when we needed it most. I was super grateful but not super surprised because I had been praying for awhile and knew God would provide.
3. What are you waiting on God for now? What will you meditate on rather than meddle in?
I am waiting for God to tell me exactly what to do about life/job/career. I don't want to do anything...well that isn't exactly true....what I want to do is stay home, be a good wife and mother, bake cookies, read stories to the kids, teach them, and "homemake" away, but alas there is a big change coming in September and I have no idea what to do, where to go, who will advice or counsel me, and how this will happen. There will be so much meditating that I will become lazy and do nothing....that is the fear. I bet people would wish I would "meddle", take control of my life, speak up, I don't know- I have so little confidence and so little life experience that my opinions are moot. All I can hear is, "Good luck with that."
"When Morning Comes" Genesis 29:16-30
1. Take a look in the mirror and describe the things you like about yourself.
I like being short. I like being a woman. I like my hair. I like my mind. I like my health. I like my sense of humor. I like how much I care about books and how quirky I am.
2. What don't you like about yourself? Describe some of the things you'd change if you could.
I don't like how I am "overweight" and my boobs are so big. I wish a certain person and the "fashion" industry wouldn't make me feel so bad for hair that grows in places it "apparently" shouldn't- like my arm pits, bikini area, legs, and face.
3. What parts of yourself have you been afraid to show your loved ones (spiritually, emotionally or physically), and why? Take a chance and expose one part you've hidden behind the mask. Ask God to give you the strength to take this step. And ask God to surprise you with how much your loved ones accept the real you.
This is entering dangerous territory. What if the real me doesn't care that I am overweight and can't understand it? I may overeat from time to time (rare) but I can't exactly find the time to exercise and even when I have exercised have seen zero results. What if the real me decides to stop shaving? What if the real me can't stand any form of birth control? Nope, these are things that have not and will not be accepted, and these are just the simple masks. I can't imagine what people would think when they find out how messed up my past was and how I have tried to open up and have been met with, "Okay, well you better sweep that under the rug and hope no one notices the big bump."
Dear God, I don' t know exactly what you want me to do. If I open myself up it is just asking for a lot of pain and tears. I feel as if all I can do is wait. Maybe you can change someone and maybe you don't want to change someone just to teach me something. God, go ahead, surprise me. Show me someone who I can open up to. I have asked this a number of times and things have pretty much stayed the same so I don't expect much of a miracle, but maybe this time will be different? I can really identify with Leah. I hope I am doing what you want me to do and I am learning what you want me to learn. Amen.
1. When have you meddled your way through a problem instead of waiting on God to solve it? What were the results?
I don't meddle. I have little to no interest in other people's decisions unless they directly hurt or harm me or hurt or harm someone I love. I have gossiped sometimes and that is one sin that has resulted in general dislike and no friends- at least that seems to be the logical conclusion. I am annoyed that people who are "worse" then me have friends, but I take my advice from Pete the Cat "Just keep walking along singing your song, cause it is all good." I don't try to hurt people, I try to understand people and that is where I fail because you basically can't.
2. When have you seen God solve a problem in a way that surprised you?
So far no super surprises from God just normal and amazing generosity- I have had people give us money, we have had programs give us money for Christmas presents when we thought we would have nothing for the kids, and a loan was accepted at a critical time for me. I guess the biggest surprise was the van. We had been praying for that provision and someone gave us the van when we needed it most. I was super grateful but not super surprised because I had been praying for awhile and knew God would provide.
3. What are you waiting on God for now? What will you meditate on rather than meddle in?
I am waiting for God to tell me exactly what to do about life/job/career. I don't want to do anything...well that isn't exactly true....what I want to do is stay home, be a good wife and mother, bake cookies, read stories to the kids, teach them, and "homemake" away, but alas there is a big change coming in September and I have no idea what to do, where to go, who will advice or counsel me, and how this will happen. There will be so much meditating that I will become lazy and do nothing....that is the fear. I bet people would wish I would "meddle", take control of my life, speak up, I don't know- I have so little confidence and so little life experience that my opinions are moot. All I can hear is, "Good luck with that."
"When Morning Comes" Genesis 29:16-30
1. Take a look in the mirror and describe the things you like about yourself.
I like being short. I like being a woman. I like my hair. I like my mind. I like my health. I like my sense of humor. I like how much I care about books and how quirky I am.
2. What don't you like about yourself? Describe some of the things you'd change if you could.
I don't like how I am "overweight" and my boobs are so big. I wish a certain person and the "fashion" industry wouldn't make me feel so bad for hair that grows in places it "apparently" shouldn't- like my arm pits, bikini area, legs, and face.
3. What parts of yourself have you been afraid to show your loved ones (spiritually, emotionally or physically), and why? Take a chance and expose one part you've hidden behind the mask. Ask God to give you the strength to take this step. And ask God to surprise you with how much your loved ones accept the real you.
This is entering dangerous territory. What if the real me doesn't care that I am overweight and can't understand it? I may overeat from time to time (rare) but I can't exactly find the time to exercise and even when I have exercised have seen zero results. What if the real me decides to stop shaving? What if the real me can't stand any form of birth control? Nope, these are things that have not and will not be accepted, and these are just the simple masks. I can't imagine what people would think when they find out how messed up my past was and how I have tried to open up and have been met with, "Okay, well you better sweep that under the rug and hope no one notices the big bump."
Dear God, I don' t know exactly what you want me to do. If I open myself up it is just asking for a lot of pain and tears. I feel as if all I can do is wait. Maybe you can change someone and maybe you don't want to change someone just to teach me something. God, go ahead, surprise me. Show me someone who I can open up to. I have asked this a number of times and things have pretty much stayed the same so I don't expect much of a miracle, but maybe this time will be different? I can really identify with Leah. I hope I am doing what you want me to do and I am learning what you want me to learn. Amen.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Genesis 22-24
"Making Hard Choices" Genesis 24:1-67
1. What hard choice is confronting you today?
Today I don't have HARD choices just every day annoying ones. What chores should I do today? What can I let slide today? What should I eat today that will not make me morbidly obese? Should I wake up the little ones or just bask in the silence? But I guess when it comes to me every choice is hard- even all these small dumb choices.
2. What factors make your decision difficult?
The factors that make my decisions difficult is usually my mood. If I am in the right frame of mind and prepared I feel I can make even very difficult decisions. If I am given plenty of time to think about it and possibly seek council and prayer then it is not so difficult. Also I tend to over think things so any decision ends up being difficult.
3. How is God asking you to trust him in this situation? Will you obey him?
There is one situation (not really my choice) that I need to trust him. I need to trust that sending my children to public school is ultimately obeying my husband's wish, no matter how it turns out. I will obey, but I will still feel a little worried. I am not too worried about the kids so much as I am worried about myself- which is worse because now it seems like I am a really selfish person. I have very little direction because I don't have a "career" mind. I just want to get through life with as little bumps and bruises along the way. I don't have any ambition or confidence in myself. That is where I need to trust God and I feel like I know myself well enough to know this isn't going to turn out so well, but we will have to wait and see.
1. What hard choice is confronting you today?
Today I don't have HARD choices just every day annoying ones. What chores should I do today? What can I let slide today? What should I eat today that will not make me morbidly obese? Should I wake up the little ones or just bask in the silence? But I guess when it comes to me every choice is hard- even all these small dumb choices.
2. What factors make your decision difficult?
The factors that make my decisions difficult is usually my mood. If I am in the right frame of mind and prepared I feel I can make even very difficult decisions. If I am given plenty of time to think about it and possibly seek council and prayer then it is not so difficult. Also I tend to over think things so any decision ends up being difficult.
3. How is God asking you to trust him in this situation? Will you obey him?
There is one situation (not really my choice) that I need to trust him. I need to trust that sending my children to public school is ultimately obeying my husband's wish, no matter how it turns out. I will obey, but I will still feel a little worried. I am not too worried about the kids so much as I am worried about myself- which is worse because now it seems like I am a really selfish person. I have very little direction because I don't have a "career" mind. I just want to get through life with as little bumps and bruises along the way. I don't have any ambition or confidence in myself. That is where I need to trust God and I feel like I know myself well enough to know this isn't going to turn out so well, but we will have to wait and see.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Genesis 19-21
"Letting Go of the Familiar" Genesis 19:1-26
1. What does the passage in today's reading teach you about letting go in order to move forward?
If you look back when you are suppose to be going forward there could be consequences- even very severe consequences- like turning into a pillar of salt.
2. Why is it so difficult sometimes to let go of the past?
It is difficult sometimes to let go of the past because the past is familiar and comfortable. We know what to expect from the past.
3. What is one thing you think God may be asking you to let go of right now? Spend some time praying that God will help you let go of whatever is hindering you from moving forward in your spiritual journey.
I don't know but I am going to suspect God is asking me to let go of any expectations I ever had of being a "stay at home mom" and/or "homemaking wife". I pray and think about this constantly.
Dear God, Help me to let go of my home and family if I am holding on to them too tight. I have no idea where you want me to be- spiritually, academically, physically, or anything. You don't talk much and the Word seems farther and farther removed from my situations. Please help me be kind to my husband, I feel like everything I say and do is just the dumbest thing ever. Amen
1. What does the passage in today's reading teach you about letting go in order to move forward?
If you look back when you are suppose to be going forward there could be consequences- even very severe consequences- like turning into a pillar of salt.
2. Why is it so difficult sometimes to let go of the past?
It is difficult sometimes to let go of the past because the past is familiar and comfortable. We know what to expect from the past.
3. What is one thing you think God may be asking you to let go of right now? Spend some time praying that God will help you let go of whatever is hindering you from moving forward in your spiritual journey.
I don't know but I am going to suspect God is asking me to let go of any expectations I ever had of being a "stay at home mom" and/or "homemaking wife". I pray and think about this constantly.
Dear God, Help me to let go of my home and family if I am holding on to them too tight. I have no idea where you want me to be- spiritually, academically, physically, or anything. You don't talk much and the Word seems farther and farther removed from my situations. Please help me be kind to my husband, I feel like everything I say and do is just the dumbest thing ever. Amen
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Genesis 16-18
"Promises Worth Waiting For" Genesis 16:1-16
1. Is there something you're waiting for right now? What has God promised through his Word?
I am not really waiting for anything right now...maybe a purification or revival of the church....maybe a job (doesn't have to be fancy) so I can get out of the house....maybe a friend or an opportunity to share the gospel....I willing to wait a long time and I don't necessarily see God making these things happen any time soon. But God did promise salvation from sin and he promised Christ's second coming that is what I rest my hope in.
2. Describe a time when you took matters into your own hands. What were the results? Was it worth it?
I can't really think of a time I took matters into my own hands. I go through life pretty lackadaisically. If there is something I need it usually turned out alright except for college- I sucked at college. Sometimes it does seem worth it to throw a fit every now and then- not on the regular but once awhile that is sometimes the only way to get something done or what you want.
3. How do you respond when your actions have unexpected consequences? Do you blame someone else, as Sarai blamed Abram, or do you go to God and ask for his help and forgiveness?
Human sinful nature naturally will blame. I know I do. Eventually if you are level headed and a true follower of Christ you come back to God and ask for help and forgiveness.
1. Is there something you're waiting for right now? What has God promised through his Word?
I am not really waiting for anything right now...maybe a purification or revival of the church....maybe a job (doesn't have to be fancy) so I can get out of the house....maybe a friend or an opportunity to share the gospel....I willing to wait a long time and I don't necessarily see God making these things happen any time soon. But God did promise salvation from sin and he promised Christ's second coming that is what I rest my hope in.
2. Describe a time when you took matters into your own hands. What were the results? Was it worth it?
I can't really think of a time I took matters into my own hands. I go through life pretty lackadaisically. If there is something I need it usually turned out alright except for college- I sucked at college. Sometimes it does seem worth it to throw a fit every now and then- not on the regular but once awhile that is sometimes the only way to get something done or what you want.
3. How do you respond when your actions have unexpected consequences? Do you blame someone else, as Sarai blamed Abram, or do you go to God and ask for his help and forgiveness?
Human sinful nature naturally will blame. I know I do. Eventually if you are level headed and a true follower of Christ you come back to God and ask for help and forgiveness.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Job 40-42
"Say No More" Job 40:1-14
1. Think of a time when you have wondered, Why, God? What was the situation?
I think about it every time I watch the news especially if has to do with war and especially when it concerns children. I usually know why something is happening to me. I don't need to ask God why. I usually have a pretty good sense about why but even if I don't know exactly I know that God has a reason and that is enough for me.
2. In what ways do you need to be quiet, to repent and to humbly bow before God as Job did?
Actually I feel like I need to be louder. I am quiet. I do repent. What I don't do is tell others or ask others for help or confirmation. I understand that God is God and I am not. I can cry and feel sorry for myself, but that doesn't change anything in the long run.
3. What have you learned about God through your difficult experiences?
I have learned that God has His own reasons and I don't need to understand everything.
1. Think of a time when you have wondered, Why, God? What was the situation?
I think about it every time I watch the news especially if has to do with war and especially when it concerns children. I usually know why something is happening to me. I don't need to ask God why. I usually have a pretty good sense about why but even if I don't know exactly I know that God has a reason and that is enough for me.
2. In what ways do you need to be quiet, to repent and to humbly bow before God as Job did?
Actually I feel like I need to be louder. I am quiet. I do repent. What I don't do is tell others or ask others for help or confirmation. I understand that God is God and I am not. I can cry and feel sorry for myself, but that doesn't change anything in the long run.
3. What have you learned about God through your difficult experiences?
I have learned that God has His own reasons and I don't need to understand everything.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Job 38-39
"God Speaks" Job 38:1-41
1. When you suffer, whom do you tend to talk to?
I am not trying to be extra spiritual or anything but I basically talk to God. Since I have no close friends I always naturally turn to Him. Sometimes I turn to my husband but not for very long. I tend to suffer in silence, but not in a depressing, desperate sort of way. I process- the ultimate introvert, I guess. I think a lot- people would probably say I think too much.
2. Has any human philosopher, speaker or writer been able to comfort you when you've suffered?
For a big reader that I am, I am surprised I have never really thought about this question. Whenever I feel like I am in a rut I don't usually turn directly to the Bible. If anything comforts me most it is the Harry Potter series....yes...ALWAYS. I don't know if that is dangerous for a strong Christian to admit- let alone a youth pastor's wife.
3. Does it comfort you to know that while God is powerful enough to create the vast universe, he is interested enough to speak to you personally?
It is a mixture of comfort and fear. As far as I know, though, I don't feel like God particularly wants to talk to me personally, because of how many times I have begged for Him to speak but I guess He "speaks" through His word though it is not the same. *shrugs* Will I ever understand the mind of God? No, but I want to make a dent. I guess my mantra is...He knows my heart. He knows I believe in His Son and the shedding of blood for forgiveness of sin. I have dedicated my life to Him and to church. If I am doing something wrong- speak up, make a way, I have to assume I am living the way He wants even though I feel as if I understand nothing.
1. When you suffer, whom do you tend to talk to?
I am not trying to be extra spiritual or anything but I basically talk to God. Since I have no close friends I always naturally turn to Him. Sometimes I turn to my husband but not for very long. I tend to suffer in silence, but not in a depressing, desperate sort of way. I process- the ultimate introvert, I guess. I think a lot- people would probably say I think too much.
2. Has any human philosopher, speaker or writer been able to comfort you when you've suffered?
For a big reader that I am, I am surprised I have never really thought about this question. Whenever I feel like I am in a rut I don't usually turn directly to the Bible. If anything comforts me most it is the Harry Potter series....yes...ALWAYS. I don't know if that is dangerous for a strong Christian to admit- let alone a youth pastor's wife.
3. Does it comfort you to know that while God is powerful enough to create the vast universe, he is interested enough to speak to you personally?
It is a mixture of comfort and fear. As far as I know, though, I don't feel like God particularly wants to talk to me personally, because of how many times I have begged for Him to speak but I guess He "speaks" through His word though it is not the same. *shrugs* Will I ever understand the mind of God? No, but I want to make a dent. I guess my mantra is...He knows my heart. He knows I believe in His Son and the shedding of blood for forgiveness of sin. I have dedicated my life to Him and to church. If I am doing something wrong- speak up, make a way, I have to assume I am living the way He wants even though I feel as if I understand nothing.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Job 35-37
"Who?" Job 36:21-33
1. What circumstances can only God change? Do you trust him to do that?
Only God can change the hearts and beliefs of people. I am learning to trust Him to do that. I feel I take rejection personally when I think about witnessing to others.
2. Do you have trouble believing that nothing is too difficult for God? Why or why not?
I guess I don't have trouble believing God can do big things like change the weather, open a sea, send an earthquake or storm, feed a multitude, or heal, but I do have difficulty believing in the little things. Can God stop me from crying about all those who will not believe and all those who are suffering? I guess I feel muddled. In the end it seems so inconsistent from my perspective. God, why does so much make no sense?
3. Take some time to reflect on God's names mentioned in today's devotional. Which of his names are the most meaningful to you in your present circumstances?
Elohim- the Creator, who made you for a purpose
El Elyon- God Most High, whose ways are higher than your ways
El Roi- the God who sees and knows where you are and how you feel
El Shaddai- The Lord God Almighty, the one who can change you or walk with you through your circumstances as surely as he can send rain from heaven
The most meaningful to me in my present circumstance is El Roi- the God who see and knows where you are and how you feel. I know this comes from the story of Hagar. Because I have so few friends I long to look to God as the one who sees me even through the millions and billions of people.
1. What circumstances can only God change? Do you trust him to do that?
Only God can change the hearts and beliefs of people. I am learning to trust Him to do that. I feel I take rejection personally when I think about witnessing to others.
2. Do you have trouble believing that nothing is too difficult for God? Why or why not?
I guess I don't have trouble believing God can do big things like change the weather, open a sea, send an earthquake or storm, feed a multitude, or heal, but I do have difficulty believing in the little things. Can God stop me from crying about all those who will not believe and all those who are suffering? I guess I feel muddled. In the end it seems so inconsistent from my perspective. God, why does so much make no sense?
3. Take some time to reflect on God's names mentioned in today's devotional. Which of his names are the most meaningful to you in your present circumstances?
Elohim- the Creator, who made you for a purpose
El Elyon- God Most High, whose ways are higher than your ways
El Roi- the God who sees and knows where you are and how you feel
El Shaddai- The Lord God Almighty, the one who can change you or walk with you through your circumstances as surely as he can send rain from heaven
The most meaningful to me in my present circumstance is El Roi- the God who see and knows where you are and how you feel. I know this comes from the story of Hagar. Because I have so few friends I long to look to God as the one who sees me even through the millions and billions of people.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Job 29-31
So far so good, I am faithfully on track with my Chronological Bible Reading.
"Hanging on to Hope" Job 31:1-40
1. What have been the darkest days of your life?
Thankfully I haven't had many truly dark days. I have had times when it felt very dark but looking back it seems nothing compared to what others have gone through: rape, cancer, abuse, war, divorce, etc. There are about 3 times in my life that I would call dark. The first one would be the after my sophomore year in college from summer on through most of junior year. I was so lost. I was job searching. I was so hunger- like actually physically hungry because I had no money for food. The major I had intended upon fell through because I couldn't pass my writing and speech classes with the required grades. I could not afford the cost for additional classes or teaching tests. I had a falling out with a close friend and another close friend who moved away. I was in counseling because a guy was taking advantage of me in a really twisted way that I can't even begin to explain here. Any way, that time was so messed up. There wasn't one particular thing that got me "out". In fact, a lot of me still feels stuck from that time when I feel like a failure. I find I have to be completely honest with myself, "I obviously wasn't suppose to do this. I still don't know what I am suppose to do, but that doesn't matter as long as I DO something even if it feels mundane, menial, and mentally discouraging." I am crying just thinking about this time.
The second time in my life that I would call dark was shortly after marriage when everything was new and confusing and I was pregnant. I am the worst at planning. I cried a lot. I look back on this time as true growth. I also blame the hormones and my poor health. I had to get through this rough time to get to where I am now. Dark as that time was it was the most beneficial and eye opening.
The third time in my life that was really dark was right after giving birth to my third child when loan collection calls started coming. I was scared. I ate very little. My new baby suffered because of it and she had a horrible case of reflex to begin with. Now that time I had so many people surround me with prayer and tangible advice and actual honest to goodness help. Thank God, that time is long over and I learned a lot and could do nothing else but cling to Him. I couldn't magically come up with the money but He could if He wanted to. He provided the right thing at the right time to keep me humble.
2. In what ways, did God shine hope through your darkness?
I think I basically already answered this. I had to get out of my comfort zone and act. I had to learn a lot about rejection. For me, there wasn't a ONE thing that got me out. I didn't pray a magical prayer. I didn't always have a friend who could encourage me. The church didn't rally around me (except maybe a little bit for the last one). I just carried on. God is God and I am not.
3. Do you know someone who is echoing Job's plea to be heard? Try offering the warmth of comfort and a listening ear.
Boy, do I wish I could help. I am the opposite of encouraging. I can barely help myself. I don't have any friends right now- aside from FB friends who are more like computer acquaintances. Sometimes I feel like I am still in dark days because I don't have any friends but sometimes I think it might be my own fault because I don't invest the time and energy for them. Well that got depressing really fast- I don't need you to think I am all like woe is me- I am fine. I will continue praying about this and hoping all these dark days are teaching me so I might be able to teach my children or others. I will "hang on to hope". I don't know any other way.
"Hanging on to Hope" Job 31:1-40
1. What have been the darkest days of your life?
Thankfully I haven't had many truly dark days. I have had times when it felt very dark but looking back it seems nothing compared to what others have gone through: rape, cancer, abuse, war, divorce, etc. There are about 3 times in my life that I would call dark. The first one would be the after my sophomore year in college from summer on through most of junior year. I was so lost. I was job searching. I was so hunger- like actually physically hungry because I had no money for food. The major I had intended upon fell through because I couldn't pass my writing and speech classes with the required grades. I could not afford the cost for additional classes or teaching tests. I had a falling out with a close friend and another close friend who moved away. I was in counseling because a guy was taking advantage of me in a really twisted way that I can't even begin to explain here. Any way, that time was so messed up. There wasn't one particular thing that got me "out". In fact, a lot of me still feels stuck from that time when I feel like a failure. I find I have to be completely honest with myself, "I obviously wasn't suppose to do this. I still don't know what I am suppose to do, but that doesn't matter as long as I DO something even if it feels mundane, menial, and mentally discouraging." I am crying just thinking about this time.
The second time in my life that I would call dark was shortly after marriage when everything was new and confusing and I was pregnant. I am the worst at planning. I cried a lot. I look back on this time as true growth. I also blame the hormones and my poor health. I had to get through this rough time to get to where I am now. Dark as that time was it was the most beneficial and eye opening.
The third time in my life that was really dark was right after giving birth to my third child when loan collection calls started coming. I was scared. I ate very little. My new baby suffered because of it and she had a horrible case of reflex to begin with. Now that time I had so many people surround me with prayer and tangible advice and actual honest to goodness help. Thank God, that time is long over and I learned a lot and could do nothing else but cling to Him. I couldn't magically come up with the money but He could if He wanted to. He provided the right thing at the right time to keep me humble.
2. In what ways, did God shine hope through your darkness?
I think I basically already answered this. I had to get out of my comfort zone and act. I had to learn a lot about rejection. For me, there wasn't a ONE thing that got me out. I didn't pray a magical prayer. I didn't always have a friend who could encourage me. The church didn't rally around me (except maybe a little bit for the last one). I just carried on. God is God and I am not.
3. Do you know someone who is echoing Job's plea to be heard? Try offering the warmth of comfort and a listening ear.
Boy, do I wish I could help. I am the opposite of encouraging. I can barely help myself. I don't have any friends right now- aside from FB friends who are more like computer acquaintances. Sometimes I feel like I am still in dark days because I don't have any friends but sometimes I think it might be my own fault because I don't invest the time and energy for them. Well that got depressing really fast- I don't need you to think I am all like woe is me- I am fine. I will continue praying about this and hoping all these dark days are teaching me so I might be able to teach my children or others. I will "hang on to hope". I don't know any other way.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Job 10-16
"The Patience of Job" Job 13:1-28
1. Have you ever wondered if suffering is the result of sinfulness?
I have wondered about it a little, but it is pretty obvious that when you observe the world that this can't be entirely true. Suffering affects EVERYONE. If it really was based on sinfulness there would be a whole lot more suffering- in my opinion.
2. Has this devotional caused you to rethink your position? Why or why not?
Nope, the devotion is pretty spot on. "The simple truth is that God is no constrained to tell us why bad things happen to us. But he will let us know how to walk through them....with patience and hope."
3. Make Job's proclamation personal to your situation: "Though He_______ ; yet will I hope in Him."
"Though He answers so few questions and I feel so alone and so many children are suffering; yet will I hope in Him."
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Job 6-9
1. Describe a time when you wanted to question God. What did you want to dispute or ask?
When has there been I time I DIDN'T want to question God is more like it! My questions range between the silly (especially when I am reading Genesis) like: If Adam and Eve were made perfect what were the sizes of there genitals (what is considered the perfect erect penis length or size breasts?) and did they poop? to the serious Why does God allow children to be raped/murdered/abused? I come so far in my questions that I beginning having serious MAJOR doubts. I even frequent a website written by an atheist from time to time when I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! I often find my way groping and stumbling through the fog of doubt and just lay it all at the cross, praying and hoping that one day this will all make sense. My faith often feels shaky at best and seems to get worse and not better as I have gotten older. Also another reason I started this blog because if the Bible is true and I believe it what is stopping me from proclaiming it. Why am I so fearful? All I know is that this is not a question that I can answer in a day- or at least not TODAY.
2. Do you feel closer to God or farther away from him when you question the unfairness of life?
I feel farther away from Him when I question the unfairness of life. And because I bet you are curious this is the website I visit once in awhile because this person opens up whole lot of questions that I often think about but not many Christians seem willing to discuss: 500 Questions
I will not hide my doubts from my readers. I have asked Jesus into my life. I believe Him to be God. This can't just be an "accident"- there is reason and purpose- however small- out there- somewhere. I have to believe for my sanity. God knows my heart.
3. Have you asked Jesus to be your arbitrator so that you can enter eternity? If you have not, will you do so now, so you can rest assured of an eternal life in Christ?
Yes, I have asked Jesus to be my arbitrator so that I can enter eternity. Again- God knows my heart.
When has there been I time I DIDN'T want to question God is more like it! My questions range between the silly (especially when I am reading Genesis) like: If Adam and Eve were made perfect what were the sizes of there genitals (what is considered the perfect erect penis length or size breasts?) and did they poop? to the serious Why does God allow children to be raped/murdered/abused? I come so far in my questions that I beginning having serious MAJOR doubts. I even frequent a website written by an atheist from time to time when I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! I often find my way groping and stumbling through the fog of doubt and just lay it all at the cross, praying and hoping that one day this will all make sense. My faith often feels shaky at best and seems to get worse and not better as I have gotten older. Also another reason I started this blog because if the Bible is true and I believe it what is stopping me from proclaiming it. Why am I so fearful? All I know is that this is not a question that I can answer in a day- or at least not TODAY.
2. Do you feel closer to God or farther away from him when you question the unfairness of life?
I feel farther away from Him when I question the unfairness of life. And because I bet you are curious this is the website I visit once in awhile because this person opens up whole lot of questions that I often think about but not many Christians seem willing to discuss: 500 Questions
I will not hide my doubts from my readers. I have asked Jesus into my life. I believe Him to be God. This can't just be an "accident"- there is reason and purpose- however small- out there- somewhere. I have to believe for my sanity. God knows my heart.
3. Have you asked Jesus to be your arbitrator so that you can enter eternity? If you have not, will you do so now, so you can rest assured of an eternal life in Christ?
Yes, I have asked Jesus to be my arbitrator so that I can enter eternity. Again- God knows my heart.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Job 1-5
This is the Bible I am using this year. I am not going to get as in depth as I want to because I am reading a quick Chronological Order this year. I will post (when I can) the answers to the devotions in my Bible.
"To Know God Is to Trust God" Job 2:9-13
1. How have you responded to bad news in the past? With praise? Anger? Despair? Confusion?
I, typically, respond to bad news in complete confusion. In my mind to stay sane balance is a must- so if I am doing all the right things then I should have a normal good life. I know that isn't necessarily practical or true, always, but that is how I live right at this moment. So when something goes wrong I tend to be confused and look for a way to fix it or get away from it if it can not be fixed.
2. Job knew God well enough to turn to him in grief. How deep does your knowledge of God go? How close is your heart attuned to his?
Actually after listening to a VERY brief explanation of Job I am not entirely certain Job was turning to God or not. He doesn't actually address or speak TO God but rather ABOUT God. But maybe I being picky....Job has got to be next second hardest book in the Bible for me to wrap my mind around. I know I will never know much about God while in this life, but I will not stop trying. I pray that my heart is attuned to His. This is the very reason I am feeling compelled to read the whole Bible again.
3. How might going through tough times or experiencing pain and grief help someone know God?
Because from our perspective it seems like God is being arbitrary about who will experience grief and pain we feel forced to DO something- even if that something might be nothing. We might turn to our own strength and knowledge. We might turn to a trusted friend. But when we surrender and turn it to God that is when we grow the most fruitful. Tough times keep us humble.
"Silence Is Golden" Job 2:9-13
1. Has there ever been a time when you were grieving or struggling and someone's advice or comments were like pouring salt on a wound? How did it affect you?
I can't recall a time in my life when I was grieving or struggling and someone's advice or comments were like pouring salt on a wound. I usually assume people want to say SOMETHING comforting even though it may not feel comforting at the time because I am so consumed in my own grief. As of right now I have been so blessed that thankfully grief and suffering haven't been a big thing in my life. Sometimes when I get advice I just furrow my brow and go- "Well maybe that worked for you, but I doubt that will work for me."
2. What was the most helpful thing that anyone has ever done for you during a time of loss or great struggle?
One time when I had a new baby, a toddler, and a preschooler and the baby (Lucy) would spit up- A LOT!!! It was so bad she was losing a weight and everything smelled bad and there were multiple showers and clothes changes a day. A woman I didn't know super well came to my house and washed and folded 3 or 4 loads of laundry for me! That was the most helpful thing for a young mom- EVER!
3. How can you show support to someone you know who is struggling?
UGH!!! I ask myself this all the time. I am so shy. I SUCK at regular social events- forget trying to show support to someone I know who is struggling. I wrestle with the fact that people are not like me- not everyone is great at dealing with grief alone (which how I consider myself)- I don't know- everything seems so trite and meaningless. My heart feels like it is being squeezed when I try to think of an answer for this because I am HORRIBLE at empathy and sympathy. WHY? Why can't I be better? Doesn't God want me to be better at this? Right at this exact moment I am googling "how can I feel empathy for others". I won't have time to tell you my findings but I have 5 min.to just try. Dear God, help me.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
2017 New Year...New Bible Reading Plan
I wasn't planning on doing this exactly, but I realized I have only read the whole Bible once. It is time to read the whole thing again even if I have to do it really fast. I am doing it Chronologically. I am already behind. But you can follow along...today I am going to listen to Genesis 1-11. You can look it up on Youtube to find a good audio version. I encourage you to try even if you get behind. It IS hard...keep it up.
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